Surprised? Nah.

In the “Bart the Murderer” episode of The Simpsons, we see a poker game in which Fat Tony has five aces. The joke, among others, is that no one would ever believe that you legitimately have that many aces. Why do I bring this up?

From Roll Call (courtesy of Kos):

House Republicans are taking a mulligan on the first ballot for Majority Leader. The first count showed more votes cast than Republicans present at the Conference meeting.

Seriously, these are the kind of people who would sell you your own credit card without admitting that they stole it.

The dumbest company ever

As many of you know, I have had problems with Tivo since September. They have consistently been wrong and incompetent about everything, sending me a (broken) replacement box after they said they couldn't, failing to send labels as promised, and proving utterly incompetent in every regards. For the last couple of weeks, I have gone without DVR altogether, and have resorted to watching television at the time the programs have aired without the benefit of instant replay. I thank you all for your cards, phone calls, and moments of prayer during this trying time.

Twice last week I called to expedite shipment of my replacement box, and I was promised it would be sent 2-day FedEx. Friday, I received an email saying the Tivo had been shipped, and it included this perfect sentence: "You can track the shipping status of your replacement DVR at". Yesterday, I got another email saying it had been shipped, and it actually included the shipping information via DHL Ground. Today, my shipment arrived. Yes, I got 2 Tivos.

Granted, the odds are that the first one will break in the next 2 weeks, and I'll have to use the second one.

Idiocy

All right, it's been a long break, and I realized I still need an outlet. So despite the fact that this group blog turned into a solo blog with a group name, Pete #1 shall remain.

Rather than start off on a long rant -- there will be plenty of time for those -- I just wanted to point out one of the dumbest articles I've read in a long, long time.

Jacob Weisberg in Slate writes that the Democrats, in arguing against Bush's anti-poverty proposals, are making the wrong move. He says:

If the conservative war on poverty succeeds, even in partial fashion, we will all be better for its success. And if it fails, we will have learned something important about how not to fight poverty.

We should let them win because it might succeed and that would be good, and if it fails then we'll have learned a valuable lesson? This is a fine plan if you're testing out a new coloring book; it's not how you help the American people.

Kanye West got it half-right. George Bush doesn't care about poor people. This is a man who didn't go to Texas yesterday because it was too sunny to be politically useful. He cut short his vacation 2 days after one of its finest cities was destroyed. He tried and failed to destroy Social Security. His solution to helping the poor was to take away their guarantees at a decent day's pay. He's against a decent minimum wage. He won't admit that global warming, the stimulus for all these horrible hurricanes, is real.

Imaginary conversation:

Weisberg: "Honey, I hired a kleptomaniac to housesit for us while we're away."
Weisberg's wife: "What? Are you crazy?"
Weisberg: "I figure there's a good chance he won't steal all of our possessions. If not, we'll have learned a valuable lesson."

Bush's latest line of BS is that we fight the terrorists there so we don't have to fight them here. We failed to fight Bush over there. We can't stop fighting him here.

Note: There's a slight chance Weisberg was being sarcastic. If so, he should have tried tipping his hand, or perhaps considered being funny.

Where are all the white women at?

Non Sequitor

In order for a product to be called low in sodium, it must meet certain requirements involving the amount of sodium per serving. Sadly, the equivalent is not true for a product to be called news.

Fox News gets to call itself news (not to mention Fair and Balanced) when it really is the place for Republican propoganda. MSNBC and CNN, along with Fox, continue to call themselves news sources despite the crap they lead with every day.

Which crap? No, I'm not talking about cheerleading for the President, ignoring the Downing Street Memo, or spreading Swift Boat Lies. I'm not even talking about the Michael Jackson trial, which receives far too much attention on these channels but at least deals with an existing, compelling national figure. No, the crap that I'm referring to involves the missing white woman. A pregnant woman vanishes in California, a woman skips out on her wedding, some vacationer vanishes in Aruba, and suddenly it's the lead story on these stations and at their website. This morning, the lead story at msnbc.com was about the Aruba girl's mother's "desperate pleas".

If this was actual news, these stories would make headlines with minorities and men as the victims (or in the case of the Runaway Bride, culprits). But no, it's just a ratings grab.

How do we make our news media do something crazy, like maybe covering the news? The beauty of the internet is how easily organizations can judge what stories people are following. If everyone clicks on the latest missing random white woman story, they'll keep feeding us more stories. And if everyone online is interested, then surely they'll shove it down our throats on TV.

So let's stop following the stories. Just stop clicking on these stories whereever you get your news. Read about Iraq, or baseball, or whatever else you find interesting. Or go back to work, if you must. And when it comes on your TV, just change the channel. You must be able to find a missing white woman story on Law and Order or CSI all day long. Or hell, watch the coverage on a tabloid show; at least they're not pretending to be news.

I've started a petition to see how many people I can find to make this pledge. Please sign it, and if you like, spread the word.

Curt, this is Mike. Mike, Curt.

From the Times:

Mike Piazza, who was not in the starting lineup, spent his free time getting a baseball autographed by the radio commentator Rush Limbaugh. "It was like meeting George Washington," Piazza said.

Rush:

I still say, if you really dig deep, you might find some Clinton PAC [political action committee] money, laundered three or four different ways, found its way to the Swift Vets. But that's just me.

Washington:

I cannot tell a lie.

I can see the resemblance.

Really, ARod hates Bush. All of the Yankees are good selfless Democrats. No I'm not delusional.

Reviews of Films I Haven't Seen Yet: Summer's Dirty Dozen

"What I used to be able to pass off as just another bad summer could now potentially turn into a bad life."
-Chris Eigeman, Kicking and Screaming (1995)

Summertime. That used to mean something to me. Freedom. Independence. Vacation. Now it just means that the next four months are going to be hotter than the last four. The summer doesn't really mean anything when you're an "adult." Well, at least the movies are different. Summertime is prime time in LaLa Land, the time of year when the Dream Factory churns out its biggest, baddest wares to get out there and grab your last honest buck. Batman, Darth Vader and remakes galore are coming at you left and right, all trying to entertain your ass off.

I figure there are three ways to approach this whole "summer movie" phenomenon. You could look at it as a perfect example of plebeian American culture at its very worst, with the whole of Hollywood cast as an unfeeling, money-making machine run on a combination of corporate greed and creative bankruptcy that feeds off the self-fulfilling prophecies and addled expectations of a fickle, shallow society that is either too stupid to notice, or too lazy to care. Or you can view it as simple entertainment: slickly produced bang-zoomery for those who would like nothing more than to kick back and happily munch on some salty popcorn for a few hours. Or, in the case of George Lucas in particular, you can argue that the best of these films go down in history (in spite of ourselves) because they possess the rare ability to reach scores of lonely children who realized early on that the embellishments of fantasy are infinitely better than anything reality has to offer. I don't know one way or the other. Onto the dirty dozen...



Monster-In-Law
Dir. by Robert Luketic; starring J to the L to the Izzo, Hanoi Jane

"I like big butts and I can not lie, you other brothers can't deny, that when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face, you get sprung, wanna pull out your tongue; cause you notice that butt was stuffed deep in the jeans she's wearing, I'm hooked and I can't stop staring..."
Nice Thick Bottom line: Rent it.


Wedding Crashers
Dir. by David Dobkin; starring Owen Wilson, Vince Vaughn

Ben Stiller's boyfriend and my brother from another mother star in this wacky, mainstream ditty about two guys who pick up chicks at weddings. Sounds simple enough. Sold.
Bottom line: See it.


Cinderella Man
Dir. by Ron Howard; starring Russell Crowe, Renee Zellweger

Maximus and Richie Cunningham team up one more time to unleash another treacly "epic" about a fucked-up guy trying to overcome his fucked-up situation by participating in some fucked-up athletics. If Crowe wasn't so pissed off all the time, he wouldn't get an ounce of respect, but at the end of the day, he's a pretty decent actor. Oh, and I heard this is the movie where Renee Zellweger looks like a concentration camper sucking on a lemon...oh right, she looks like that in every movie.
Bottom line: Rent it.


The Dukes of Hazzard
Dir. by Jay Chandrasekhar; starring Jessica Simpson, Johnny Knoxville

"I like big tits and I can not lie, you other brothers can't deny, that when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and some round things in your face, you get sprung, wanna pull out your tongue..."
Bottom line: Rent it.


Mr. and Mrs. Smith
Dir. by Doug Liman; starring Angelina Jolie, Tyler Fuckin' Durden

The man who brought us Swingers takes another step towards hackdom with this ridiculous farce about married assassins starring the world's most perfect human beings. Again (given my disposition), I should hate everything about Pitt, I really should. But goddamnit, I just can't bring myself to do it. For every Meet Joe Black he delivers a True Romance, for every Ocean's Eleven, he gives me some Snatch, and on and on and on. It's like a bad relationship, albeit with someone I don't know...who also happens to be a man. As for his co-star, let's just say that I find her attractive.
Bottom line: Rent it.


War of the Worlds
Dir. by Senor Spielbergo; starring Tom Cruise, Dakota Fanning

Mr. Durden's co-star from Interview with the Vampire stars in this small, independent film about space invaders and the havoc they cause on earth. From what I've heard, the neophyte director's avant-garde style and highly experimental execution make for some very interesting filmmaking. Although this picture is expected to do only so-so business at the box office, rumor has it he has bright future ahead of him. Boo-urns, indeed.
Bottom line: Rent it.


Hustle & Flow
Dir. by Craig Brewer; starring Terrence Howard, DJ Qualls

This real indie flick about a Southern pimp looking for redemption through rap music was a real big deal at the Sundance Film Festival. Supposedly it's very well done and does for Southern hip-hop what Boyz N the Hood did for gangsta rap (John Singleton is a producer on this one). If all this is true, then this film should be teaching a whole new generation of white kids how to be black in no time.
Bottom line: Rent it.


Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
Dir. by Tim Burton; starring Johnny Depp, Helena Bonham Carter

I somehow missed the original Willy Wonka movie during my "experimental" (i.e. acid-ingesting) days and it seems like the only way I could possibly enjoy this unnecessary remake by the man who abandoned Batman is by returning to the bad habits that helped define those days...yeah, I don't think so.
Bottom line: Skip it.


Bad News Bears
Dir. by Richard Linklater; starring Billy Bob Thornton, Greg Kinnear

The ex-host of Talk Soup and the ex-husband of the world's most perfect female headline this dazed and confused remake of the Walter Matthau classic. As I've said before, I'm usually against remakes, especially of good films, but this looks like it might actually work. I like Billy Bob in almost everything he's done and I sort of respect him for getting as far as he has without the benefit of "matinee idol" looks (as well as for bagging the score of the millennium). If Bad News Bears is as good as Bad Santa, then more power to him.
Bottom line: See it.

Bewitched
Dir. by Nora Ephron; starring Nicole Kidman, Will Ferrell

Believe it or not, the premise behind this "reimagining" is fairly intriguing. Instead of doing an out and out remake of the series, the filmmakers put a very meta twist on the whole thing and actually make the story about the fictional remaking of Bewitched. Nicole Kidman is perfectly cast as Samantha and although Jim Carrey would have been the perfect Derwood, Will Ferrell isn't a bad second choice. Either way, none of this is gonna be enough to get my tired ass into the theater.
Bottom line: Rent it.


Batman Begins
Dir. by Christopher Nolan; starring Christian Bale, Katie Holmes

If Katie Holmes and her stupid little voice fuck this up, I'm gonna be mighty fucking pissed. I've been waiting for a good Batman film for 16 fucking years. That's a lot of fucking waiting.
Bottom line: See it.


Star Wars: Episode III- Revenge of the Sith
Dir. by George Lucas; starring Hayden Christensen, Ewan McGregor

For people of a certain age and ilk, this is the cinematic equivalent of a wake, a funeral, and a graduation all wrapped up in one event. And for those of you who don't care, you'll still be affected by it, one way or another. May the Force be with you. Always.
Bottom line: See it.

Background: Uzbekistan

When this blog is active, one thing we try to do is give you brief summaries or histories of news stories that you might otherwise ignore. I imagine most of you, like myself, have not been following news out of Uzbekistan too closely, largely because you, like myself, don't know the background. Billmon gives the relevant quotes in yet another reminder of Dear Leader's valuing the worship of Jesus over the teachings of Jesus.

"But why destroy Hitler?"

I often think of Pat Buchanan as a rational yet racist Republican. Meaning he's smart, he says some things that are interesting, but at the end of the day he hates the Jews and other persecuted groups. I also think of him as the type who believes that American Christians are a persecuted group.

As Attaturk points out, the racist part sometimes shines through more than others. While discussing England's role in entering World War II, he said:

If the objective of the West was the destruction of Nazi Germany, it was a "smashing" success. But why destroy Hitler? If to liberate Germans, it was not worth it. After all, the Germans voted Hitler in.

Read the rest. The scary thing is that he's still employed by the most "liberal" of the 3 cable news networks.

In need of prominent living Republicans

Via Attaturk via Kos via Sirota:

"Should any political party attempt to abolish social security, unemployment insurance, and eliminate labor laws and farm programs, you would not hear of that party again in our political history. There is a tiny splinter group, of course, that believes you can do these things. Among them are [a] few other Texas oil millionaires, and an occasional politician or business man from other areas. Their number is negligible and they are stupid."

- President Dwight D. Eisenhower, 11/8/54

I've read a lot in recent days about why the Republicans think they can get away with such attempts, as well as their planned Nuclear Option. This column, and the one he wrote before it, are as good an explanation as any. Perhaps I'll add commentary later