4GuysNamedPete

Surprised? Nah.

2006-02-02T17:48:00.000-05:00

In the “Bart the Murderer” episode of The Simpsons, we see a poker game in which Fat Tony has five aces. The joke, among others, is that no one would ever believe that you legitimately have that many aces. Why do I bring this up?

From Roll Call (courtesy of Kos):

House Republicans are taking a mulligan on the first ballot for Majority Leader. The first count showed more votes cast than Republicans present at the Conference meeting.

Seriously, these are the kind of people who would sell you your own credit card without admitting that they stole it.

The dumbest company ever

2006-01-17T16:26:00.000-05:00

As many of you know, I have had problems with Tivo since September. They have consistently been wrong and incompetent about everything, sending me a (broken) replacement box after they said they couldn't, failing to send labels as promised, and proving utterly incompetent in every regards. For the last couple of weeks, I have gone without DVR altogether, and have resorted to watching television at the time the programs have aired without the benefit of instant replay. I thank you all for your cards, phone calls, and moments of prayer during this trying time.

Twice last week I called to expedite shipment of my replacement box, and I was promised it would be sent 2-day FedEx. Friday, I received an email saying the Tivo had been shipped, and it included this perfect sentence: "You can track the shipping status of your replacement DVR at". Yesterday, I got another email saying it had been shipped, and it actually included the shipping information via DHL Ground. Today, my shipment arrived. Yes, I got 2 Tivos.

Granted, the odds are that the first one will break in the next 2 weeks, and I'll have to use the second one.

Idiocy

2005-09-24T16:52:00.000-04:00

All right, it's been a long break, and I realized I still need an outlet. So despite the fact that this group blog turned into a solo blog with a group name, Pete #1 shall remain.

Rather than start off on a long rant -- there will be plenty of time for those -- I just wanted to point out one of the dumbest articles I've read in a long, long time.

Jacob Weisberg in Slate writes that the Democrats, in arguing against Bush's anti-poverty proposals, are making the wrong move. He says:

If the conservative war on poverty succeeds, even in partial fashion, we will all be better for its success. And if it fails, we will have learned something important about how not to fight poverty.

We should let them win because it might succeed and that would be good, and if it fails then we'll have learned a valuable lesson? This is a fine plan if you're testing out a new coloring book; it's not how you help the American people.

Kanye West got it half-right. George Bush doesn't care about poor people. This is a man who didn't go to Texas yesterday because it was too sunny to be politically useful. He cut short his vacation 2 days after one of its finest cities was destroyed. He tried and failed to destroy Social Security. His solution to helping the poor was to take away their guarantees at a decent day's pay. He's against a decent minimum wage. He won't admit that global warming, the stimulus for all these horrible hurricanes, is real.

Imaginary conversation:

Weisberg: "Honey, I hired a kleptomaniac to housesit for us while we're away."
Weisberg's wife: "What? Are you crazy?"
Weisberg: "I figure there's a good chance he won't steal all of our possessions. If not, we'll have learned a valuable lesson."

Bush's latest line of BS is that we fight the terrorists there so we don't have to fight them here. We failed to fight Bush over there. We can't stop fighting him here.

Note: There's a slight chance Weisberg was being sarcastic. If so, he should have tried tipping his hand, or perhaps considered being funny.

Where are all the white women at?

2005-06-13T10:29:00.000-04:00

Non Sequitor

In order for a product to be called low in sodium, it must meet certain requirements involving the amount of sodium per serving. Sadly, the equivalent is not true for a product to be called news.

Fox News gets to call itself news (not to mention Fair and Balanced) when it really is the place for Republican propoganda. MSNBC and CNN, along with Fox, continue to call themselves news sources despite the crap they lead with every day.

Which crap? No, I'm not talking about cheerleading for the President, ignoring the Downing Street Memo, or spreading Swift Boat Lies. I'm not even talking about the Michael Jackson trial, which receives far too much attention on these channels but at least deals with an existing, compelling national figure. No, the crap that I'm referring to involves the missing white woman. A pregnant woman vanishes in California, a woman skips out on her wedding, some vacationer vanishes in Aruba, and suddenly it's the lead story on these stations and at their website. This morning, the lead story at msnbc.com was about the Aruba girl's mother's "desperate pleas".

If this was actual news, these stories would make headlines with minorities and men as the victims (or in the case of the Runaway Bride, culprits). But no, it's just a ratings grab.

How do we make our news media do something crazy, like maybe covering the news? The beauty of the internet is how easily organizations can judge what stories people are following. If everyone clicks on the latest missing random white woman story, they'll keep feeding us more stories. And if everyone online is interested, then surely they'll shove it down our throats on TV.

So let's stop following the stories. Just stop clicking on these stories whereever you get your news. Read about Iraq, or baseball, or whatever else you find interesting. Or go back to work, if you must. And when it comes on your TV, just change the channel. You must be able to find a missing white woman story on Law and Order or CSI all day long. Or hell, watch the coverage on a tabloid show; at least they're not pretending to be news.

I've started a petition to see how many people I can find to make this pledge. Please sign it, and if you like, spread the word.

Curt, this is Mike. Mike, Curt.

2005-05-24T17:10:00.000-04:00

From the Times:

Mike Piazza, who was not in the starting lineup, spent his free time getting a baseball autographed by the radio commentator Rush Limbaugh. "It was like meeting George Washington," Piazza said.

Rush:

I still say, if you really dig deep, you might find some Clinton PAC [political action committee] money, laundered three or four different ways, found its way to the Swift Vets. But that's just me.

Washington:

I cannot tell a lie.

I can see the resemblance.

Really, ARod hates Bush. All of the Yankees are good selfless Democrats. No I'm not delusional.

Reviews of Films I Haven't Seen Yet: Summer's Dirty Dozen

2005-05-16T19:26:00.000-04:00

"What I used to be able to pass off as just another bad summer could now potentially turn into a bad life."
-Chris Eigeman, Kicking and Screaming (1995)

Summertime. That used to mean something to me. Freedom. Independence. Vacation. Now it just means that the next four months are going to be hotter than the last four. The summer doesn't really mean anything when you're an "adult." Well, at least the movies are different. Summertime is prime time in LaLa Land, the time of year when the Dream Factory churns out its biggest, baddest wares to get out there and grab your last honest buck. Batman, Darth Vader and remakes galore are coming at you left and right, all trying to entertain your ass off.

I figure there are three ways to approach this whole "summer movie" phenomenon. You could look at it as a perfect example of plebeian American culture at its very worst, with the whole of Hollywood cast as an unfeeling, money-making machine run on a combination of corporate greed and creative bankruptcy that feeds off the self-fulfilling prophecies and addled expectations of a fickle, shallow society that is either too stupid to notice, or too lazy to care. Or you can view it as simple entertainment: slickly produced bang-zoomery for those who would like nothing more than to kick back and happily munch on some salty popcorn for a few hours. Or, in the case of George Lucas in particular, you can argue that the best of these films go down in history (in spite of ourselves) because they possess the rare ability to reach scores of lonely children who realized early on that the embellishments of fantasy are infinitely better than anything reality has to offer. I don't know one way or the other. Onto the dirty dozen...

Monster-In-Law
Dir. by Robert Luketic; starring J to the L to the Izzo, Hanoi Jane

"I like big butts and I can not lie, you other brothers can't deny, that when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face, you get sprung, wanna pull out your tongue; cause you notice that butt was stuffed deep in the jeans she's wearing, I'm hooked and I can't stop staring..."
Nice Thick Bottom line: Rent it.

Wedding Crashers
Dir. by David Dobkin; starring Owen Wilson, Vince Vaughn

Ben Stiller's boyfriend and my brother from another mother star in this wacky, mainstream ditty about two guys who pick up chicks at weddings. Sounds simple enough. Sold.
Bottom line: See it.

Cinderella Man
Dir. by Ron Howard; starring Russell Crowe, Renee Zellweger

Maximus and Richie Cunningham team up one more time to unleash another treacly "epic" about a fucked-up guy trying to overcome his fucked-up situation by participating in some fucked-up athletics. If Crowe wasn't so pissed off all the time, he wouldn't get an ounce of respect, but at the end of the day, he's a pretty decent actor. Oh, and I heard this is the movie where Renee Zellweger looks like a concentration camper sucking on a lemon...oh right, she looks like that in every movie.
Bottom line: Rent it.

The Dukes of Hazzard
Dir. by Jay Chandrasekhar; starring Jessica Simpson, Johnny Knoxville

"I like big tits and I can not lie, you other brothers can't deny, that when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and some round things in your face, you get sprung, wanna pull out your tongue..."
Bottom line: Rent it.

Mr. and Mrs. Smith
Dir. by Doug Liman; starring Angelina Jolie, Tyler Fuckin' Durden

The man who brought us Swingers takes another step towards hackdom with this ridiculous farce about married assassins starring the world's most perfect human beings. Again (given my disposition), I should hate everything about Pitt, I really should. But goddamnit, I just can't bring myself to do it. For every Meet Joe Black he delivers a True Romance, for every Ocean's Eleven, he gives me some Snatch, and on and on and on. It's like a bad relationship, albeit with someone I don't know...who also happens to be a man. As for his co-star, let's just say that I find her attractive.
Bottom line: Rent it.

War of the Worlds
Dir. by Senor Spielbergo; starring Tom Cruise, Dakota Fanning

Mr. Durden's co-star from Interview with the Vampire stars in this small, independent film about space invaders and the havoc they cause on earth. From what I've heard, the neophyte director's avant-garde style and highly experimental execution make for some very interesting filmmaking. Although this picture is expected to do only so-so business at the box office, rumor has it he has bright future ahead of him. Boo-urns, indeed.
Bottom line: Rent it.

Hustle & Flow
Dir. by Craig Brewer; starring Terrence Howard, DJ Qualls

This real indie flick about a Southern pimp looking for redemption through rap music was a real big deal at the Sundance Film Festival. Supposedly it's very well done and does for Southern hip-hop what Boyz N the Hood did for gangsta rap (John Singleton is a producer on this one). If all this is true, then this film should be teaching a whole new generation of white kids how to be black in no time.
Bottom line: Rent it.

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
Dir. by Tim Burton; starring Johnny Depp, Helena Bonham Carter

I somehow missed the original Willy Wonka movie during my "experimental" (i.e. acid-ingesting) days and it seems like the only way I could possibly enjoy this unnecessary remake by the man who abandoned Batman is by returning to the bad habits that helped define those days...yeah, I don't think so.
Bottom line: Skip it.

Bad News Bears
Dir. by Richard Linklater; starring Billy Bob Thornton, Greg Kinnear

The ex-host of Talk Soup and the ex-husband of the world's most perfect female headline this dazed and confused remake of the Walter Matthau classic. As I've said before, I'm usually against remakes, especially of good films, but this looks like it might actually work. I like Billy Bob in almost everything he's done and I sort of respect him for getting as far as he has without the benefit of "matinee idol" looks (as well as for bagging the score of the millennium). If Bad News Bears is as good as Bad Santa, then more power to him.
Bottom line: See it.

Bewitched
Dir. by Nora Ephron; starring Nicole Kidman, Will Ferrell

Believe it or not, the premise behind this "reimagining" is fairly intriguing. Instead of doing an out and out remake of the series, the filmmakers put a very meta twist on the whole thing and actually make the story about the fictional remaking of Bewitched. Nicole Kidman is perfectly cast as Samantha and although Jim Carrey would have been the perfect Derwood, Will Ferrell isn't a bad second choice. Either way, none of this is gonna be enough to get my tired ass into the theater.
Bottom line: Rent it.

Batman Begins
Dir. by Christopher Nolan; starring Christian Bale, Katie Holmes

If Katie Holmes and her stupid little voice fuck this up, I'm gonna be mighty fucking pissed. I've been waiting for a good Batman film for 16 fucking years. That's a lot of fucking waiting.
Bottom line: See it.

Star Wars: Episode III- Revenge of the Sith
Dir. by George Lucas; starring Hayden Christensen, Ewan McGregor

For people of a certain age and ilk, this is the cinematic equivalent of a wake, a funeral, and a graduation all wrapped up in one event. And for those of you who don't care, you'll still be affected by it, one way or another. May the Force be with you. Always.
Bottom line: See it.

Background: Uzbekistan

2005-05-16T09:23:00.000-04:00

When this blog is active, one thing we try to do is give you brief summaries or histories of news stories that you might otherwise ignore. I imagine most of you, like myself, have not been following news out of Uzbekistan too closely, largely because you, like myself, don't know the background. Billmon gives the relevant quotes in yet another reminder of Dear Leader's valuing the worship of Jesus over the teachings of Jesus.

"But why destroy Hitler?"

2005-05-12T15:13:00.000-04:00

I often think of Pat Buchanan as a rational yet racist Republican. Meaning he's smart, he says some things that are interesting, but at the end of the day he hates the Jews and other persecuted groups. I also think of him as the type who believes that American Christians are a persecuted group.

As Attaturk points out, the racist part sometimes shines through more than others. While discussing England's role in entering World War II, he said:

If the objective of the West was the destruction of Nazi Germany, it was a "smashing" success. But why destroy Hitler? If to liberate Germans, it was not worth it. After all, the Germans voted Hitler in.

Read the rest. The scary thing is that he's still employed by the most "liberal" of the 3 cable news networks.

In need of prominent living Republicans

2005-05-12T11:26:00.000-04:00

Via Attaturk via Kos via Sirota:

"Should any political party attempt to abolish social security, unemployment insurance, and eliminate labor laws and farm programs, you would not hear of that party again in our political history. There is a tiny splinter group, of course, that believes you can do these things. Among them are [a] few other Texas oil millionaires, and an occasional politician or business man from other areas. Their number is negligible and they are stupid."

- President Dwight D. Eisenhower, 11/8/54

I've read a lot in recent days about why the Republicans think they can get away with such attempts, as well as their planned Nuclear Option. This column, and the one he wrote before it, are as good an explanation as any. Perhaps I'll add commentary later

Question

2005-04-08T16:01:00.000-04:00

Imagine you're editing a spy novel, and the author has created a character nicknamed Curveball who is giving bad intelligence to the US government. Don't you think you'd tell the author to change the name, knowing that no one could possibly trust information from a spy named Curveball?

That's what I thought.

Our godlike Congress

2005-04-07T14:41:00.000-04:00

It's rare that I choose to pick on a Democratic in Congress not named Lieberman. But apparently Representative Ed Markey thinks he can increase daylight by messing with the clocks. I have no opinion one way or another on his bipartisan amendment to the energy bill which plans to extend daylight savings time by a month on each end, but this made me laugh:

"The more daylight we have, the less electricity we use," said Markey, who cited Transportation Department estimates that showed the two-month extension would save the equivalent of 10,000 barrels of oil a day.

No word yet on their plans to ease New England winters by shortening January to 21 days.

What I've been trying to say

2005-03-27T13:51:00.000-05:00

Jonathan Alter in Newsweek:

When he was governor of Texas, George W. Bush presided over 152 executions, more than took place in the rest of the country combined. In at least a few of these cases, reasonable doubts about the guilt of the condemned were raised. But Bush cut his personal review time for each case from a half hour to a mere 15 minutes (most other governors spend many hours reviewing each capital case to assure themselves that there's no doubt of guilt). His explanation was that he trusted the courts to sort through the life-and-death complexities. That's right: the courts.

Read the whole thing for more ironies and hypocrisies.

Never forget

2005-03-25T14:40:00.000-05:00

Frank Rich

The same Mr. Bush who couldn't be bothered to interrupt his vacation during the darkening summer of 2001, not even when he received a briefing titled "Bin Laden Determined to Strike in U.S.," flew from his Crawford ranch to Washington to sign Congress's Schiavo bill into law.

Tom Delay

"This is exactly the kind of issue that's going on in America, that attacks against the conservative moment, against me and against many others. The point is, the other side has figured out how to win and to defeat the conservative movement, and that is to go after people personally, charge them with frivolous charges, link up with all these do-gooder organizations funded by George Soros, and then get the national media on their side. That whole syndicate that they have going on right now is for one purpose and one purpose only, and that is to destroy the conservative movement. It is to destroy conservative leaders, and not just in elected office, but leading. I mean, Ed Feulner, of the Heritage Foundation today was under attack in the National Journal. This is a huge nationwide concerted effort to destroy everything we believe in. And you need to look at this, and what's going on and participate in fighting back."

Why this Delay quote? Because not only is he lying (earlier in the same speech he referred to Terry Schiavo as "lucid"), his method of lying is so devious because he is so complimentary. We have no idea how to win and defeat the conservative movement. If we did, then we wouldn't have a President who cares more about a body in Florida more than he does the threat of an attack, more than he does thousands of tsunami victims, and more than he does 229 years of separation of powers in this country. We wouldn't have a House Majority Leader who claims that this body can talk and is lucid, when in fact she is vegetative. We wouldn't have a ruling party that fights for hatred in the name of marriage, fights against marriage in the name of life, fights against life in the name of national defense, and fights against national defense in the name of neo-conservatism.

They rule everything, and the way they hold on is by always claiming to be losing. They scare their faithful into thinking that we are going to take over, when we clearly have no ability to do it. They don't care about religion, life, or people. They care about power. The party of state rights made a federal case out of ignoring the stated wishes of a woman who no longer has the ability to state them. They fight for Social Security by coming up with an idea that will not only destroy it, but it will cost more than the current system. Honesty and decency means nothing to them. They just like to win.

Every poll says that the Schivo intervention is unpopular. That would give me solace, but these guys never lose. This may just be a way to raise money for right-to-life organizations, or it may be part of a bigger plan. They rule every branch of our government because everything is planned and united.

Tom Delay is lying when he says we have figured out how to win. Between now and Election Day 2006, let's do the impossible. Let's make Tom Delay's words come true.

My living will

2005-03-21T20:47:00.000-05:00

Just in case our asshole President finds a politically viable way to fuck with my life or death, I want this on the record:

I am a Democrat. As such, I value marriage. My wife is my next of kin and will make any decisions in case I am unable to do so. I would not have married her if I didn't trust her with my life.
In order to qualify on the chain of succession following my wife as prime decision maker, you must not have voted for Bush in 2004 nor can you support him at the time of whatever event necessitates this decision. I cannot emphasize this enough. After my wife in this succession, in order, are my mother, then my sister, then JaytotheBizo. If all else fails, my attorney at K&LNG is in charge.
If the word "persistive vegetative state" describes me, I am not to be kept alive.
I value my intelligence. If the choice is between risky surgery or me having no ability to think, I want the surgery.
I value my ability to communicate. If I were to be unable to communicate yet still be able to think, I would consider that torturous.

Being a Democrat, I consider torture bad.

If W ever claims to value my life specifically, then I'm probably better off dead. Under no circumstances shall I ever be a Republican pawn.
I believe in the right to die. I believe that W's "Culture of life" is political garbage by a man who is responsible for the death of thousands of American soldiers, tens of thousands of Iraqis, and millions of AIDS victims in Africa who don't get the proper funding and prevention education thanks to his religious garbage.

None of the above is a joke. I have already requested a living will from my attorney so that there is not to be any confusion. I suggest you do the same. Tom Delay said over the weekend that Terry Schiavo "talks and she laughs and she expresses likes and discomforts." These are evil liars who will stop at nothing to win votes, even if it means keeping a woman alive despite her stated wishes and those of her next of kin.

Don't let it happen to you. Don't become Delay's next distraction. Get a living will.

Reviews of Films I Haven't Seen Yet: Gold-Plated Postgame

2005-02-28T14:14:00.000-05:00

I figured I should follow up my stellar Oscar edition with a little postgame analysis. First and foremost, I’ve gotta admit that the Chris Rock experiment didn’t go as badly as I thought (read: hoped). He wasn’t terrible, but he wasn’t that funny either. I guess you’ve got to give the man credit for saying “ass” and “sucks” within the first two minutes of his monologue. But let’s face it, the shit was mediocre. The Oscars aren’t meant to be young and/or hip. Like funerals and graduations, some things are supposed to be lame and stilted. Watching a de-balled Chris Rock doing Hollywood jokes in a rented tux is about as entertaining as listening to a stripper talk about her kids during a lap dance. Certain people (as well as certain topics) should always be kept in their proper context and element. Anyway, let’s get to the postgame…

Best Performance by an Actor in a Leading Role-

Winner: Jamie Foxx
What I said: Clint Eastwood

Guess Foxx’s relentless impression of Ray Charles (on and off-screen) finally paid off. Better luck next time, Don. You’ll be back. By the way, what was up with the show using the theme song from “The Terminator?” Not that I’m complaining, but it seemed a little out of place…sort of like Chris Rock. The theme of the night seemed to be “fish-outta-water.”

Best Performance by an Actress in a Leading Role-

Winner: Hilary Swank
What I said: Annette Bening

My personal pick for best actress also happens to look like a horse (Howard Stern never plays a sound byte from her without playing neighing sounds in the background). That being said, she beat Annette Bening…again. Guess Warren’s the only one who knows how to close a deal in that family.

Best Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role-

Winner: Morgan Freeman
What I said: Thomas Haden Church

“Red: [narrating] There is a harsh truth to face. No way I'm gonna make it on the outside. All I do anymore is think of ways to break my parole. Terrible thing, to live in fear. Brooks Hatlen knew it. Knew it all too well. All I want is to be back where things make sense.”
This award makes sense. The right man won. Get busy living.

Best Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role-

Winner: Cate Blanchett
What I said: Cate Blanchett

You’ve gotta be pretty fucking famous to win from beyond the grave. Katherine Hepburn’s pretty fucking famous.

Best Achievement in Directing-

Winner: Clint Eastwood
What I said: Clint Eastwood

The Man with No Name does it again. I know he’s feeling lucky, but are you? Well, are ya? Punk?!

Best Writing, Screenplay Written Directly for the Screen-

Winner: Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
What I said: Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

What did I tell you? It’s that fucking good.

Best Writing, Screenplay Based on Material Previously Produced-

Winner: Sideways
What I said: Finding Neverland

I was hoping this won and it did, in spite of my cynicism. Too bad life rarely works out that way.

Best Animated Feature Film of the Year-

Winner: The Incredibles
What I said: The Incredibles

I said it before and I’ll say it again…overrated.

Best Documentary-

Winner: Born Into Brothels: Calcutta's Red Light Kids
What I said: Super Size Me

If a film wins an Oscar without anyone ever seeing it or hearing about it, does it make a sound? Apparently.

Best Motion Picture of the Year-

Winner: Million Dollar Baby
What I said: The Aviator

I’m surprised. Guess the Academy endorses suicide after all. Color me impressed. Good job, Dirty Harry. Keep knocking ‘em dead.

So, I’m 4 for 10 in my first attempt at this bullshit. Not bad. Okay, I’m gonna go put my balls back on now. Peace.

Reviews of Films I Haven't Seen Yet: Gold-Plated Oscar Edition

2005-02-25T23:20:00.000-05:00

“Awards for art are fucking idiotic. Unless two people are doing the exact same thing, how can you really say somebody's better than the other?”
-Chris Rock (2005)

The real question is, “What comedian would risk every ounce of his street cred to host what might arguably be the lamest and most conservative awards show this side of the Country Music Awards?” That’s right, one who needs a job. Now let’s make like Frank DeCaro and knock the shit outta this Oscar crap. But first, this episode’s films…

Hitch
Dir. by Andy Tennant; starring The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, Kevin James

I have to admit that the trailer for this made me laugh. Along with farts and monkeys wearing helmets, fat guys trying to dance and open-handed bitch slaps are always funny. Unfortunately, I heard all the good parts are in the trailer. Big fucking surprise. Guess I’ll have to entertain myself with reruns of the Carlton dance.
Bottom line: Rent it.

Constantine
Dir. by Francis Lawrence; starring Keanu Reeves, Rachel Weisz

Dressing Ted Theodore Logan in the same exact suit he wore at the beginning of The Matrix is just one example of the countless mistakes that were made by the retards responsible for this travesty. If you actually wanna see “Matrix: Revolutions meets The Exorcist II” then by all means, rush out and see it. As for me, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, Wyld Stallyns do not rule.
Bottom line: Skip it.

Because of Winn-Dixie
Dir. by Wayne Wang; starring Annasophia Robb, Dave Matthews

Dave Matthews stars in this movie about a smiling dog (yes, you read that correctly) that goes around making people in a small town happy…there is no reason for me to continue typing.
Bottom line: Skip it.

Son of the Mask
Dir. by Lawrence Guterman; starring Jamie Kennedy, Traylor Howard

That idiot from that unwatchable show on The WB (which one, right?) tries to ape Jim Carrey aping Tex Avery cartoons that are about a zillion times funnier than the both of them combined. Traylor Howard’s pretty cute, but goddamn, that’s one hell of a name, right? “Traylor”…Jesus. Can you imagine what her life would be like if she was a big fat chick instead of an Anne Heche clone? Yeah, me neither.
Bottom line: Skip it.

Boogeyman
Dir. by Stephen T. Kay; starring Barry Watson, Lucy Lawless

“Lucy Lawless.” Now if that isn’t the best porno name this side of “Buck Naked,” then you can slap me around and call me Susan (or Xena, for that matter). From the looks of this godawful crapfest, a career in porn might not be too far off for our warrior princess after all.
Bottom line: Skip it.

The Wedding Date
Dir. by Clare Kilner; starring Debra Messing, Dermot Mulroney

A romantic comedy starring an annoying and unfunny actress from one of the unfunniest and most annoying (yet strangely successful) sitcoms of all time. Oh, and Dermot Mulroney’s in it too.
Bottom line: Skip it.

Man of the House
Dir. by Stephen Herek; starring Tommy Lee Jones and a Murderers’ Row of Ridiculously Hot Girls

Based on the 1995 classic starring Chevy Chase, Farrah Fawcett, and the gay kid from Home Improvement (again- which one, right?), Tommy Lee Jones portrays a cop who gets caught up in a murder plot when a bunch of cheerleaders happen to witness…oh, who fucking cares. This film stars a squadron (a literal squadron) of unbelievably talented girls whom I predict will dominate every teensploitation flick coming down the pike for the next five years. Remember these names: Kelli Garner, Monica Keena, Christina Milian, and Paula ‘Effin Garces. In the immortal words of one Jerome Seinfeld, “I haven't seen four women like this together outside of a Russ Meyer film.”
Bottom line: Rent it…alone.

Cursed
Dir. by Wes Craven; starring Christina Ricci, Shannon Elizabeth

Speaking of Russ Meyer, here are two perfect examples of actresses whose dubious stars are fading faster than you can say, “Thora Birch.” Me and my man Russ have three words for you girls: Full. Frontal. Nudity. That being said, if you wanna see a good Wes Craven movie, check out The Last House on the Left. If it’s not the most disturbing thing you’ve ever seen, it’ll be the funniest thing you’ve ever seen (guess which one I picked). And remember, to avoid fainting, keep repeating, "It's only a movie...It's only a movie..."
Bottom line: Skip it.

Diary of a Mad Black Woman
Dir. by Darren Grant; starring Kimberly Elise, Tyler Perry

I imagine that the only people who are going to see this thing are black women and their mad boyfriends. All I can say is, if you liked Soul Food and Waiting to Exhale, then you’ve probably uttered, “You go girl!” within the last ten years without a hint of irony. Good luck.
Bottom line: Skip it.

The Pacifier
Dir. by Adam Shankman; starring Vin Diesel, Lauren Graham

A man once wrote that Mark Vincent (also known as “The Dies”) delivers his lines like someone who just came out of oral surgery. I’m not about to disagree.
Bottom line: Skip it.

And the Oscar pick goes to…me. Welcome to my first ever Academy Awards Analysis Extravaganza (can’t you just feel the excitement, jackass?). Beneath the blurb, the area dedicated to My Pick will show the film I would choose to win if I were James Cameron, King of the World. The section below shows who I think the actual winner is going to be. So technically, my “Oscar picks” are the ones that are not labeled “My Picks.” Get it? Good, cause explaining that again would threaten my unblemished record of staunch heterosexuality. Let the gambling and debauchery begin!

Best Performance by an Actor in a Leading Role Nominees:
Don Cheadle for Hotel Rwanda
Johnny Depp for Finding Neverland
Leonardo DiCaprio for The Aviator
Clint Eastwood for Million Dollar Baby
Jamie Foxx for Ray

Don Cheadle deserves this. A good actor who’s often trapped in bad films, it seems like he’s finally found a vehicle worthy of his talent. The others just don’t match up. Depp has been playing the same kind of ethereal weirdo for years (with few notable exceptions). He's like the male Stevie Nicks. Jamie Foxx has become way too annoying at this point to win. He doesn’t seem to realize that in order to actually be Ray Charles you have to be dead as well as blind. Clint’s glory days are behind him and DiCaprio’s life is just too fucking good, so Don deserves to come out golden. Unfortunately, birds of a feather flock together, so the codgers will probably vote for good old Clint.

My Pick: Don Cheadle
…But the winner is: The Man with No Name

Best Performance by an Actress in a Leading Role Nominees:
Annette Bening for Being Julia
Catalina Sandino Moreno for Maria Full of Grace
Imelda Staunton for Vera Drake
Hilary Swank for Million Dollar Baby
Kate Winslet for Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

I have no fucking clue who’s gonna win this one. Kate Winslet was very good in Eternal Sunshine…, but she reminds me of someone I don’t like, so I’m hoping she doesn’t win (yes, it’s faulty logic, but who ever said Oscar voting had to be logical?). Karate Kid IV’s Hilary Swank won’t win cause her character does something “The Man” doesn’t approve of (if you haven’t seen the movie…well, I haven’t either, but I know what happens and I won’t ruin it here). And then there’s Annette Bening in Being Julia. She plays an actress in the film and everyone knows that showbiz people love watching other showbiz people acting like “pretend” showbiz people, so just give her the fucking statue already.

My Pick: Hilary Swank
…But the winner is: Annette Bening

Best performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role Nominees:
Alan Alda for The Aviator
Thomas Haden Church for Sideways
Jamie Foxx for Collateral
Morgan Freeman for Million Dollar Baby
Clive Owen for Closer

Here’s where things get really interesting. Do you pick Hawkeye Pierce, Lowell from Wings, Wanda from In Living Color, or Easy Reader from The Electric Company? Who ever said television was a wasteland? Oh, and you could also vote for an English dude who is rumored to be the next James Bond (I’m sure he’s done some bad TV of his own, but my useless knowledge is mostly focused on American “culture”). I’d love to see my man Red win, but for some reason I think Lowell will get it simply because it would be too fucking weird (with “weird” meaning “good”) to see Lowell from Wings (!) get an Academy Award. Whatever. Get busy living or get busy dying.

My Pick: Red Redding
…But the winner is: Lowell Mather

Best Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role Nominees:
Cate Blanchett for The Aviator
Laura Linney for Kinsey
Virginia Madsen for Sideways
Sophie Okonedo for Hotel Rwanda
Natalie Portman for Closer

Again, no fucking idea. It’s not that there aren’t enough good female roles in Hollywood, it’s just that there aren’t enough female roles anyone gives a shit about. If they ran this category like a wet t-shirt contest (and they should), Virginia Madsen would win in a landslide (a very big, very heavy landslide), but unfortunately, they judge these people based on talent. Supposedly, Cate Blanchett does a mean Kate Hepburn impression (shaky head and all), so she’ll probably win cause, you know, Kate’s dead.

My Pick: Virginia Madsen
…But the winner is: Cate Hep- I mean, Blanchett

Best Achievement in Directing Nominees:
Clint Eastwood for Million Dollar Baby
Taylor Hackford for Ray
Mike Leigh for Vera Drake
Alexander Payne for Sideways
Martin Scorsese for The Aviator

This part of the contest is between The Man with No Name and the man who brought us Taxi Driver, Raging Bull, and Goodfellas. Although The Aviator is beneath him when compared to his other films, the little goomba (and I say that with the utmost respect) deserves to finally get a friggin' statue already. If that hack, Senor Spielbergo, can get one, then the man who brought us, “You talkin’ to me?” definitely deserves one. Fuhgeddaboutit. But for some reason, I feel like Clint’s gonna limp away with this one, too.

My Pick: Martin Scorsese
…But the winner is: Clint Eastwood

Best Writing, Screenplay Written Directly for the Screen Nominees:
The Aviator - John Logan
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind - Charlie Kaufman, Michel Gondry
Hotel Rwanda - Terry George, Keir Pearson
The Incredibles - Brad Bird
Vera Drake - Mike Leigh

This is no contest. None. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind wins, hands down. This is the kind of writing that makes me want to give up and pull a Hunter S. Thompson. It’s that fucking good.

My Pick: Eternal Sunshine…
…But the winner is: Eternal Sunshine…

Best Writing, Screenplay Based on Material Produced or Published Nominees:
Before Sunset - Richard Linklater, Kim Krizan, Julie Delpy, Ethan Hawke
Finding Neverland - David Magee
Million Dollar Baby - Paul Haggis
Diarios de motocicleta - Jose Rivera
Sideways - Alexander Payne, Jim Taylor

I don’t know about this one. I really enjoyed Dick Linklater’s Before Sunset and I totally believe he should have won Best fucking Picture for his masterpiece, Dazed and Confused, but it just isn’t in the cards for him. I’d like to see Sideways win because from everything I’ve heard, it’s my kinda flick. But a film about frustrated guys who hardly ever get what they want and who don’t necessarily like what they’ve got, seems like a bit of a downer for the academy’s traditionally “Up With People” style. That’s probably why sappy bullshit like Finding Neverland always wins.

My Pick: Sideways
…But the winner is: Up With People (Finding Neverland)

Best Animated Feature Film of the Year Nominees:
The Incredibles - Brad Bird
Shark Tale - Bill Damaschke
Shrek 2 - Andrew Adamson

Shrek 2 is funny, but too broad and commercial. Shark Tale is just a snottier, inferior version of Finding Nemo and The Incredibles is terribly overrated. Look for the trend to continue.

My Pick: Shrek 2
…But the winner is: The Incredibles

Best Documentary, Features Nominees:
Born Into Brothels: Calcutta's Red Light Kids - Zana Briski, Ross Kauffman
Geschichte vom weinenden Kamel, Die - Luigi Falorni, Byambasuren Davaa
Super Size Me - Morgan Spurlock
Tupac: Resurrection - Karolyn Ali, Lauren Lazin
Twist of Faith - Eddie Schmidt, Kirby Dick

I just threw this in here so I could round off the number of categories to ten. You don’t give a shit who wins best documentary and neither do I (especially since Michael Moore dropped out of the running). I assume the anti-McDonald’s movie will win cause that’s the only one anyone saw, but that Born Into Brothels flick sounds kinda hot.

My Pick: Born Into Brothels…
…But the winner is: Super Size Me

Best Motion Picture of the Year Nominees:
The Aviator
Finding Neverland
Million Dollar Baby
Ray
Sideways

Believe it or not, the clear winner here is Leonardo fucking DiCaprio (did you know that every time Leo gets laid an angel gets its wings?). His movie is easily the most lavish of the bunch and definitely the most accessible. It just feels like a Best Picture. Neverland is too twee, Million Dollar is too controversial (“Yes, we the Academy do endorse suicide!”…please), Ray is too…Ray, and Sideways is too real and quirky for its own good (sort of like Paul Giamatti himself…no wonder they shunned his ass). I’d like to see Sideways win, just so Pig Vomit can get up on stage and give the Academy the proverbial finger for dissing him. But it ain’t gonna happen, so fuck it. Stern rules!

My Pick: Sideways
…But the Oscar goes to: The Aviator

Until next time, may the best ass-kisser win.

“A drug person can learn to handle such things as seeing their dead grandmother crawling up their leg with a knife in her teeth. But no one should be asked to deal with this trip.”
-Hunter S. Thompson, 1937-2005. R.I.P.

I appreciate the written form, but...

2005-02-16T14:17:00.000-05:00

While I always appreciate our liberal updates, sometimes there is a definite need for multi-media entertainment... so instead of "Whacking Day" I would like to initiate the "Bush Bashing Thread." Here is my first contribution, but we are always looking for the better snake trap (I was going to go for the cliche of the mouse trap, but I don't want to categorize mammals so poorly; plus it works with the whacking day analogy)…

http://jibjab.com/play.asp?contentid=43&groupid=2

Valentines Poems

2005-02-14T16:55:00.000-05:00

Don't hate Pete because he's a bad man.

#1
Your moo goo gai pan
Makes my rice pancake rise
When you're late, you beg me for a spanking.
Your dumpling, your wontons
And those small, slitty eyes
It's like I'm Japan, and you're Nanking

Your box is so tight
No half-pint - more a quarter
You beg for a necklace of pearl
You only come over
When I place an order
I love you, delivery girl.

#2
When we first met in Dublin
Our chemistry was pure.
Dialogues more meaningful than Plato's.
Now it's 12 kids later
And he's pissed and on the floor
I'd leave him, as every day my hate grows.

But we're Irish Catholic
We can't get a divorce.
"Why, Jesus?" I cry at night; well, fate knows.
For Valentine's this day
He went to the pub, of course.
Then brought me home a beer and some potatoes.

This no longer even counts as press

2005-02-10T09:38:00.000-05:00

Americablog has done a great job of covering the Jeff Gannon story. "Who's Jeff Gannon?" my wife asks. This story was in the Daily News today and summarizes it well.

The most amazing thing about the whole thing is that all this went on under the nose of the White House Press Corps, a group which is fighting for the title of most incompetent group of people currently working in that building. No one thought they could do it, but boy are they putting up a fight.

Update (2/14): Let's play the Feud!
"Top 5 answers on the board. Which President's administration would be the most likely to hire a gay hooker to act as a member of the media? Jeff?"
"Lincoln!"
"#1 answer!"

I guess the Feud isn't the way to go. How about Jeopardy?
"Presidential scandals for $800, Alex."
"During this President's term in office, the White House Press Corps included a gay whore peddling the President's anti-gay message."
"Who is Bush?"

Greatest License Plates

2005-02-09T13:41:00.000-05:00

While driving in lovely scenic Stamford, CT I came upon a truly inspired license plate. While I usually focus more on the schmuck driving, sometimes they reciprocate with a gem like this which makes you laugh. Written directly under a sign for Stamford Driving School, the near poetic verse, “2 Slow.” Now where I have a problem with this is that I would be unable to fully actualize my anger at the 16 year old moron behind the wheel, because the company decided to smooth people’s feathers on the front end.

What really troubles me about this is that it may lead to a trend. If I begin to laugh at the idiosyncrasies of all of the people that annoy me, I will never be able to build up a good level of rage. If I can laugh at other people, then what’s next, sympathize? I could not imagine living in a world where I take pity of student drivers because everyone is honking at them for going 15 in a 45 zone, or the people who use credit cards for $2 purchases, or the people who count pennies, or pseudo-intellectuals who feel that their conversation with their asshole friend at home is so fucking important the entire train needs to hear it.

And these are things that happened to me since Sunday. If 2 Slow takes these away from me, well, maybe I’ll be forced to become a productive member of society or something like that. And in the words of the greatest of all chubby, short, angry, Jews… Jon!!!!

Today's reminder that there's no liberal media

2005-02-09T09:21:00.000-05:00

From US News & World Report:

NBC's Go-To Guy While Fox News Channel remains the favorite network of Republican lawmakers, NBC's new anchor, Brian Williams, is the one turning GOP heads. Message guru and former MSNBC contributor Frank Luntz says in a confidential memo to Hill leaders that Williams has emerged as the "go-to network anchor" because of his brains and "lack of detectable ideological bias." Luntz credits NBC Executive Producer Steve Capus for "a flawless transition to a new generation of news anchor." Still, Fox and CNN lead the nets when it comes to GOP loyalty.

That's right, one of the controllers of the Republican PR operation views NBC, that bastion of the liberal media, as neutral, while he views CNN on a par with Fox for its dependability on getting out the Republican message.

(via Josh Marshall)

Moral question

2005-02-03T13:27:00.000-05:00

Rush Limbaugh said this on his radio show in 2004 about the Abu Ghraib photos: "I'm talking about people having a good time, these people, you ever heard of emotional release? You ever heard of need to blow some steam off?"

Would anyone have a moral problem with someone taking Rush out of his home and torturing a la the Abu Ghraib victims? I can think of 59,000,000 Kerry voters who still have some steam to blow off from November. I know, it's illegal, and we can't support vigilanteism, but the man thinks it's a decent way of emotional release. I'm very torn.

On-demand porn in Southern California

2005-02-03T10:00:00.000-05:00

Happy news for the biggest of the blue states. Why didn't they have proper porn earlier?

Five years ago, Adelphia dropped Spice, a soft-core pornography channel, from cable systems it acquired in Southern California because company founder John Rigas considered such programming immoral.
Since then, the company filed for bankruptcy protection in 2002 after Rigas and others were accused of cheating investors out of billions of dollars. Rigas and his son Timothy were convicted of conspiracy, bank fraud and securities fraud. Sentencing is scheduled this month.

That's unquestionably the best definition of Bush supporter I've ever heard.

Citizens Against Nude Juicebars and Pornography

2005-02-02T16:42:00.000-05:00

My favorite part of this AP story is this line from state Senator Clarence Kooistra:

"We do not want the Salem area and McCook County to be known as Sin City, South Dakota," he says.

Before Kooistra and Citizens Against Catchy Acronyms started protesting, it's true, the nation thought of Salem as Sin City, South Dakota, a respite for the discerning pornhound. Tourism was way up, though that could be because of the new pool. Now, thanks to the good folks at CACA, we know it's a godfearing, wholesome place where no one will ever want to visit or even discuss again.

(thanks to Amy Sullivan)

No on Gonzales

2005-01-25T16:32:00.000-05:00

We at 4GNP take some pretty strong stands. We are for honesty, integrity, and the Constitution of these United States. We are against lies, torture, and attempts to change the framework of our government by Presidential dictate. We are confident that Alberto Gonzales would find this quaint. Thus, we must sign on with Daily Kos and urge the Senate to reject him as our next Attorney General.

With this nomination, we have arrived at a crossroads as a nation. Now is the time for all citizens of conscience to stand up and take responsibility for what the world saw, and, truly, much that we have not seen, at Abu Ghraib and elsewhere. We oppose the confirmation of Alberto Gonzales as Attorney General of the United States, and we urge the Senate to reject him.

(note: to be honest, this was a single-Pete decision, but I imagine not a controversial one. Unlike our government, 4GNP has no legal requirements for me to consult with the others.)

Pearl Jam Live dot com

2005-01-25T10:00:00.000-05:00

First off, Pearl Jam Live dot Com is an awesome website, fully worthy of the links on the left side of the page. I believe it's an official band site, with tons of free concerts on it. I don't know of any other band that does this.

The reason for this post is not just to hype the site and the music and the charities, but to throw in this line from Eddie Vedder from a Feb. 16th show in Adelaide, Australia, right after the massive worldwide anti-war protests. First, Eddie was saying how amazing the protests were, and then he said this:

"... we're not all cowboys, we're not John Wayne -- and don't believe the news -- we don't all believe in supporting our president."

Just a month later, the Dixie Chicks made the news by bashing Bush in Britain. Natalie Maines, the Chick in question, later apologized, saying, "As a concerned American citizen, I apologize to President Bush because my remark was disrespectful. I feel that whoever holds that office should be treated with the utmost respect."

It's a shame that the conservative media knew the right band to pick on. Eddie Vedder vs. Bill O'Reilly would have been good TV. The Dixie Chicks begging for airtime was pathetic.

But let's not forget, Social Security is in CRISIS

2005-01-25T09:24:00.000-05:00

MSNBC/AP:

Global warming is approaching the point of no return, after which widespread drought, crop failure and rising sea levels will be irreversible, an international climate change task force warned Monday.

Sports Gizzuy

2005-01-21T17:33:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I think Gmart is channeling The Sports Guy. Today, I'm pretty sure it's the other way around.

2005-01-19T16:52:00.000-05:00

As you may know, I've been trying to get ads on this site. Barnes and Noble was one target, so I signed up 4GNP there. They don't seem interested in helping me. The first time I asked for help, I emailed this to them:

I signed up a few weeks ago to become an affiliate but never got a follow-up email. As a result, the website won't let me login, but it also won't let me create a new account. Please advise.
[my real name, which is so secret I can't possibly publish it here]
4guysnamedpete.blogspot.com

They responded, via email, with this:

Thank you for your inquiry. Unfortunately we are unable to locate an active affiliate account for the BFAST Partner Gateway under the e-mail address of 4guysnamedpete.blogspot.com.
Can you please advise of the e-mail address you would have supplied on your original affiliate application?
To respond to us please use our contact escalation form. It can be accessed at: https://affiliates.befree.com/Affiliates/contactBeFree.do
Sincerely,
BFAST
Partner Gateway Support Team

Fine, my mistake. How could they possibly have known my email address? So I wrote the same exact thing on a form. Their next response:

Typically it may take between 1-3 weeks for an application to be processed at
which point in time you should then receive follow-on e-mail message(s) from
your merchant(s) confirming that your application has either been approved or
declined for program participation.
You may also contact your Partner Gateway
merchant(s) directly in order to confirm the status of your affiliate
application. Please follow these simple steps:
Logon to the Partner Gateway: http://affiliates.befree.com/Affiliates/index.jsp
Click on the 'Help' tab, right from the homepage of Partner Gateway
Click on a topic within the 'Browse Contents' area of the 'Help' pages
Click on a support sub-topic
Then, scroll down the page and click the 'Contact My Merchants' button
You will then come to an on-line help form. Please locate your merchant(s) from within the pull-down menu at the top of the form.
Sincerely,
BFAST Partner Gateway Support Team

In summary, I emailed them that I couldn't log on and they told they didn't know my email address. Then I filled out a form to say that I couldn't log on and they told me to log on. It's a shame that I like B&N because of www.choosetheblue.com, because this is getting to be pretty damn pathetic.

Feel free to write your own help desk fun in comments.

Reviews of Films I Haven't Seen Yet: Post-Apocalyptic (Holiday) Edition

2005-01-18T21:30:00.000-05:00

"I hate every ape I see, from chimpan-A to chimpan-Z...Guess you finally made a monkey out of me..." I don't know why I just wrote that, but it felt good. Things are not going according to plan this week and neither are this season's films (like how I did that?). Anyway, onto the flicks...

Coach Carter
Dir. by Thomas Carter; starring Samuel L. Jackson, Ashanti

Crazy Joe Clark and Jules Winnfield fuck and have a kid. They name him Ken Carter and he grows up to be a basketball coach. He proceeds to expeditiously shepherd a group of lost children beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men through the valley of darkness. And he yells. A lot. Bottom line: Skip it.

Racing Stripes
Dir. by Frederik Du Chau; starring Frankie Muniz, Snoop Dogg

Gangsta rap has really come a long way. For the love of God, Snoop Dogg is in a kid's movie with Malcolm in the Middle about a fucking talking zebra. I remember when some record stores wouldn't sell The Chronic unless it was wrapped in an opaque plastic cover. Or maybe that was Quiet Riot. I've got to stop doing so much acid. Bottom lizine: Skiznip.

Are We There Yet?
Dir. by Brian Levant; starring Ice Cube, Nia Long

Speaking of gangsta rap, O'Shea Jackson stars in this road trip movie about a single guy and his girlfriend's kids. Meanwhile, Eazy E is doing cartwheels in his grave. Then again, the trailer actually made me laugh a few times. So I guess what I'm saying is, fuck Eazy E...youse a penguin-lookin' muthafucka! Beeotch!!! Bottom line: Rent it.

In Good Company
Dir. by Paul Weitz; starring Topher Grace, Dennis Quaid

Sometimes it doesn't pay to be ahead of your time. Let me explain: I've been saying that Topher Grace is the best young actor on television for years. But now that this movie's out and it looks like a big fucking winner, it's gonna look like I'm just jumping on the bandwagon with everyone else. That's because no one listens to me or takes me seriously...well, everyone except the invisible man only Dakota Fanning and I can see. More on that later. Bottom line: See it.

Elektra
Dir. by Rob Bowman; starring Jennifer Garner, Goran Visnjic

Why would you make a spin-off based on a film that sucked? You don't hear anyone clamoring for Weird Harold: The Movie, do you? Some things don't make any sense to me and I guess they never will. Like why are so many people so fucking up on this Jennifer Garner chick? Alias sucks and personally she's always struck me as a tad mannish (guess Jennifer Lopez turned Ben Affleck gay after all). Like Buffy before it, I've always hated "superhero" shows featuring girls who thrash roomfuls of bad guys twice their size without breaking a sweat or a fingernail. I like my action like I like my porn: Gritty. Again, more on that later. Bottom line: Skip it.

White Noise
Dir. by Geoffrey Sax; starring Michael Keaton, Deborah Kara Unger

Nice to see Michael Keaton finally getting some work done. He probably shit the bed when he decided to hang up the Batsuit, but then again, I wouldn't have worked with Joel Schumacher either.

This movie looks pretty lame, but the premise kind of intrigues me (for those keeping score: it's about the "real life" phenomenon called white noise, in which mysterious sounds and voices pop up on cassettes which are supposed to be recording nothing but silence). It also features Deborah Kara Unger, an actress from the "That Guy" school of acting, who always plays those sorts of bitter, hard luck, former beauty queen types. She should team up with Maria Bello and do a realistic version of Showgirls with more coke and less Jessie Spano. Bottom line: Rent it.

Assault on Precint 13
Dir. by Jean Francois-Richet; starring Ethan Hawke, Laurence Fishburne

For once, this remake of John Carpenter's low-grade action flick actually seems like a good idea. The original is okay in a kitschy sorta way, but let's face it, it also kinda sucks. Hawke is rarely terrible and Larry Fishburne may be one of the most underrated actors of all time. Should make for a marginally interesting film. Bottom line: Rent it.

The death of sarcasm

2005-01-17T16:45:00.000-05:00

Is it possible to hit a level of sarcasm so high that you reach double, or reverse, sarcasm. When a fat woman comes on the TV screen, you find yourself derisively saying to your friend, "I bet you wouldn't want to sleep with her." You watch W give a press conference, and you snidely say, "That guy isn't very smart." You see commercials for Trading Spouses on Fox, and you wittily say, "I don't want to watch that show." Suddenly, you don't even know what you believe. Are you being direct and honest? Are you being funny? Or have you gone so far that you're being rude, or worse, uninteresting?

Your wife: Honey, would you mind if my mother stays with us for a week?
You: Yes, that sounds like a terrible idea.

Your boss: Can you finish that up this weekend?
You: No, I would quit before doing that.

Waitress: Would you like a spoon with your chowdah?
You: Yes.

White lies are no more. Where previously all hints of subtlety were couched in sarcasm, you've reached such a high level that you can't turn back.

Your friend: Since the Patriots always beat the Colts, that means Tom Brady is a better quarterback than Peyton Manning.
You: Your logic is flawed.

Guy at concert next to you, shouting: This band rocks!
You: Yeah!

Though it helps sometimes.

Your girlfriend: Does this dress make me look fat?
You: No.

You don't know when it happened. You surely haven't just arrived as a new direct, straightforward person. But the person who can never give a straight answer is suddenly only giving straight answers, only with a confused look and a familiar tone. You start to wonder if this is what happens to people like Chevy Chase; after a while, your mind can't keep up anymore. One day you're Ty Webb and Clark Griswold, the next you're getting roasted on Comedy Central by rookie comedians who think you're finest work was in Cops and Robbersons. And you just sit there befuddled, cash in your check from the AFLAC commercial, and wonder where it went.

NonDairy: I'm thinking of getting window treatments for my living room.
You: Uh huh.

Mockery is gone. You walk around confused, forgetting how to even interact. People say stupid things, and you answer them directly. Violence ensues.

Akebono

Akebono: Watch it, buddy.
You: You bumped into me.
Akebono: Are you talking back to me?
You: Yes.
Akebono: What, you think you're better than me?
You: Yes.
Akebono: I'm gonna kick your ass.
You: I'd prefer you didn't.
(Akebono kills you)

Consider this the first public warning from 4GNP. Be careful with your sarcasm. If it gets out of control, you might die.

Propoganda

2005-01-07T09:19:00.000-05:00

I knew the Bush administration uses propoganda, and I knew that they had a friendly media looking out for their hare-brained schemes with no regard to facts. But I didn't know that they were literally paying off the media.

Not that I'd expect any better from a President who has banned bad news on Iraq. Fortunately, there couldn't be any of that.

Update: Non-Sequitor with more on Bush.

What's more interesting than Social Security?

2005-01-03T16:39:00.000-05:00

As someone who values honesty, numbers, and the opinion of actuaries, I consider today's New York Times editorial a must-read. For those of you who haven't been following the social security debate, the Cliffs-notes version:

There is no Social Security crisis.
President Bush keeps saying there is.
President Bush wants to privatize social security at a cost of $1-2 trillion.
According to the Congressional Budget office, the Social Security 75-year deficit is $2 trillion.
According to President Bush, the deficit is $10 trillion.
Bush is using an infinite horizon explain the shortfall. To understand what that means, if I lend you a dollar at 1% interest and forget to pay you back, over an infinite horizon, I owe you an infinite amount of money.
Bush is responsible for the ridiculous budget deficit. The best way to protect Social Security is to stop borrowing so much and restore taxes to their prior levels. Bush wants to cut taxes further.
"You can make a decent argument that President Bush has done more than any other president and perhaps any other single American ever to endanger Social Security's future," says Josh Marshall.
Social Security is insurance. If you give people the right to invest their insurance. Some will lose money. They will thus be effectively uninsured. If Bush's plan were to pass, then one day, we'll have to pay for the seniors who have no income as a result of the privatization.
Bush wants to end Social Security. That's what this whole scam is about.
The last time Bush went to these lengths to invent a crisis, we went to war because of imaginary WMDs and trumped-up Al-Qaeda connections.
Bush had an economic conference in December in which no one mentioned cutting spending or restoring taxes.
There is no Social Security crisis.

Josh Marshall has much more on this topic at www.talkingpointsmemo.com. It is vitally important that Americans realize that Bush and his party is not looking to save Social Security, but to end it.

Coincidence?

2004-12-30T15:48:00.000-05:00

Both Eliza Dushku and Kristin Kreuk were born on this day. I'm thinking of starting a new holiday.

Is this the correct name?

2004-12-27T16:53:00.000-05:00

In that there have been numerous variations of the name Jay to the Biz Oh! I just wanted to make sure that I was in fact using the correct one as I don't want to find out down the road from a random user that in fact my name is translated as a jelly donut in swahili or some language like that.

Reviews of Films I Haven't Seen Yet: Holiday Spectacular

2004-12-25T09:20:00.000-05:00

“I just don't understand Christmas, I guess. I like getting presents and sending Christmas cards and decorating trees and all that, but I'm still not happy. I always end up feeling depressed.”
-Charlie Brown, A Charlie Brown Christmas

Damn straight, Chuck. At least we can all be thankful that the movies will always be there to distract us and take us away from the horrors of home and family. If it weren’t for the movies, I would have stuck my head in the oven a long time ago. Bah Humbug, indeed.

The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou
Dir. by Wes Anderson; starring Bill Murray, Owen Wilson

I’ve always liked Wes Anderson’s movies. They’re weird, they’re ironic, they’re offbeat. They’re the film equivalent of good-natured indie rock. Keep it up, Wes. You give us all hope.

I have nothing bad to say about this film or any of his others. Bottom line: See it.

Fat Albert
Dir. by Joel Zwick; starring Kenan Thompson, Bill Cosby

In Eddie Murphy: Raw, the comedian formerly known as The Funniest Man on the Planet told the audience how Richard Pryor wanted him to tell Bill Cosby to, “Have a Coke and a smile and shut the fuck up!” That was almost twenty years ago. It’s unfortunate how Richard is the one who has trouble talking now, while Bill Cosby’s lips continue to move. Dr. Cosby, do a sick man a favor and shut the fuck up. This exercise in cinematic idiocy is as funny as MS and makes about as much sense as one of your sweater patterns. Bottom line: Skip it.

Meet the Fockers
Dir. by Jay Roach; starring Robert De Niro, Ben Stiller

No focking thanks. Skip it.

Darkness
Dir. by Jaume Balaguero; starring Anna Paquin, Lena Olin

This actually looks like it might be scary. Then again, like most things in life, it’s probably going to suck and disappoint the fuck out of me, but I’m guessing there might be one or two worthwhile “jump moments” in it. Let’s face it, that’s all you can really expect from today’s horror films. Plus, it deals with little kids dying and that’s always good for a laugh. Bottom line: See it.

The Phantom of the Opera
Dir. by Joel Schumacher; starring Emmy Rossum, Gerard Butler

At least this time, The Man Who Killed Batman couldn’t possibly make this particular story any gayer. I would actually choose spending time with my parents over seeing this film. And believe you me, that’s saying a fucking lot. Skip it.

The Woodsman
Dir. by Nicole Kassell; starring Kevin Bacon, Kyra Sedgwick Bacon

Even though these days people play Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon about as often as you bust out your old Hungry, Hungry Hippos game, wouldn’t it be worth playing one more time just so you can hear somebody say, “Oh c’mon, I know this… it’s that pedophile movie where he fucks that four year old. You know the one I’m talking about? What the hell was the name of that movie again?”

I’ve always liked Bacon, as both an actor and a breakfast treat. For reasons unknown to everyone, HBO must have played Quicksilver and that movie where he’s an abusive Outward Bound camp counselor about 9,000 times during the summer of 1986. God knows why, but I was there every single time. Any movie fucked up enough to have a pedophile as the hero has got to be interesting one way or another. Bottom line: See it.

Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events
Dir. by Brad Silberling; starring Jim Carrey, Meryl Streep

Who would have thought that the names Jim Carrey and Meryl Streep would ever appear next to each other on a movie marquee? Not that I’m a big Meryl Streep fan or anything (I believe Kramer vs. Kramer and Adaptation. are the only movies I’ve ever seen her in, as if you cared to know), but the fact that Fire Marshall Bill is co-starring with Oscar’s number one female is no small feat by any means. White Chicks notwithstanding, I guess Keenan Ivory Wayans knows talent when he sees it.

As for the movie itself, this looks like some warmed-over Harry Potter bullshit, but if you like that twee, fantasy crap then knock yourself out. I don’t get the whole Harry Potter thing in the first place, so I’m assuming I won’t get pseudo-Potter material either. Bottom line: Skip it.

Spanglish
Dir. by James L. Brooks; starring Adam Sandler, Tea Leoni

This looks like a mutated, B-movie version of American Beauty if it were crossbred with Real Women Have Curves. James Hell Brooks can do better than this. Bottom line: Skip it.

Beyond the Sea
Dir. by Kevin Spacey; starring Keyser Soze, Kate Bosworth

Speaking of American Beauty, Kevin Spacey hasn’t done anything good since. This craptacular “biopic” continues the streak. Bottom line: Skip it.

The Aviator
Dir. by Martin Scorsese; starring Leonardo DiCaprio, Kate Beckinsale

What the hell happened to Kate Beckinsale? She was always a good-looking girl, but Jesus Christ, when exactly did she get so hot? I caught Brokedown Palace the other day and at the time Claire Danes was clearly the better looking of the two, but fast forward a few years later and BAM! I mean goddamn! Have you seen that Diet Coke commercial?! Ooofaa…anyway, Scorsese’s clearly hit the wall (again) with this one, but if you want to catch Katie Becks in her prizime then check it out. I know I will. Bottom line: Rent it.

Reviews of Films I Haven't Seen Yet 12/11/04

2004-12-12T13:13:00.000-05:00

Column's a little off schedule this week, but the reviews of the unviewed are still dead on (if I may say so myself). Life, like shit, happens. Anyway, on to this week's crapfest...

Ocean's 12
dir. by Steven Soderbergh; starring George Clooney, Brad Pitt

Let me start off by saying that I don't really know what to make of this movie, just as I didn't really know what to make of its predecessor. Ocean's 11 was a tough movie to like and at the same time, it's a tough movie to hate. Part of you wants to hate it for all the right reasons. You hate the fact that these undeserving genetic-lottery winners get paid (more than you ever will) to basically go on vacation. You hate the fact that they're having so much fun...at "work." Every last one of them is phoning it in, from smug-ass Clooney to the obviously slumming-for-a-paycheck Don Cheadle. Fucking tragic.

And here's the kicker: they know what they're doing. They know their lives are better than yours and they also know that you're going to pay to watch them enjoy themselves, over and over again. So what if the script is half-baked, the concept is outlandish, and the international caper story has no basis in reality whatsoever? "Fuck you, we're ridiculously famous, now bend over!" And the sad part is, we'll just lube up, roll over, and do exactly as they say.

Why? Cause Ocean's Twelve is the cinematic equivalent of an all-star game. You know it's gonna suck before it even begins, but you watch anyway simply because it's cool to see all the big wigs in the same game. The same way you'd hope to see Jordan throw an alley-oop to Shaq, you hope that maybe Clooney will drop a witty Confessions of a Dangerous Mind reference while Pitt and Damon are in the scene. People watch these films for the same reason they watch The Superfriends, Comic Relief, or the Oscars. Whether it's in sports or in the movies, regular people love it when A-List egos get together and interact. Each one of them can carry a project on their own, but there's something special about watching them wallow in mediocrity as a unit. There's just something strangely comforting about these films. They give you that weird, reassuring, "The Gang's all here," feeling that you get once in a while at big weddings or Thanksgiving dinner. I understand the feeling. I get it. But I ain't payin' for it. Bottom line on the Hollywood All-Star Game? Skip it.

Blade: Trinity
dir. by David Goyer; starring Wesley Snipes, Jessica Biel

The trilogy known as Blade comes to an end and a screeching halt with this cheesy and stupid-looking final act. The trailer looks like utter shit and from what I've heard, so does the movie. Whenever there's a little kid in the film whose main purpose is to get the gruff hero to show his "soft" side, you know you're in for a headache. Check out the exchange between Nino Brown and the little girl in the trailer ("Why can't you just be nice?") and you'll know what I mean. Utter. Shit.

Supposedly, the one decent thing in this movie is the performance of Ryan "I'm not Chevy Chase" Reynolds. I'm not buying it. Snarky, cocky, frat-boy types piss me off on a sub-atomic level, so unless he delivers an image-altering, Pitt-in-Fight Club caliber performance, I'll stick with my original impression. Who knows, he may turn out to be the next Sir Laurence Olivier, but up until this point his spotless resume includes Van Wilder and Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place. I don't think I'll be changing my opinion any time soon.

As far as I can tell, the only good thing in this suckfest is Jessica Biel's ass. I watched that awful Texas Chainsaw remake from beginning to end, due entirely to the power of that girl's ass. Once this shit hits cable (now there's three words that look strange next to each other, "this shit hits," but I digress), I imagine I'll watch the final installment of this lackluster series for the same reason. Seventh heaven, indeed. Bottom line on Jessica's bottom? Love it. Bottom line on Blade: Always Bet on Black? Skip it.
GM/P3

Answer the damn phone!

2004-12-09T09:18:00.000-05:00

From the AP story on the shooting death of Damageplan/Pantera guitarist Darrell Abbott:

"Telephone numbers for both Darrell and Jerry Abbott are unlisted and they could not be reached early Thursday by the Associated Press."

Why isn't it campaign season anymore?

2004-12-07T13:00:00.000-05:00

Family values

You're free! Now get on the bus to your mandatory job.

2004-12-06T13:20:00.000-05:00

Before the election I was conflicted on how I wanted Iraq to go, as I figured the biggest danger to the world was W, and that any good news helped him. Now, I can root for our troops without worry, as the election is over and W seems to have been elected. So why is it still so hard?

Inappropriate?

2004-12-05T20:09:00.000-05:00

So the wife and I are coming home from dinner last night with a friend who was visiting from out of town, and two of her friends, one of whom I'd never met before. The conversation turned up to life as an adult in Allston, home to BU and BC's more drunk and disorderly undergrads. The wife's car was involved in 3 incidents in her time in Allston; one hit-and run and two destroyed mirrors.

Now I can understand a hit-and-run; you accidentally hit a car, and you flee because you're just not a good enough person to pay for the damage you've done. One of the friends from last night had his car broken into lately. I'm not condoning this, but at least you're trying to get something. But the vandalized mirrors, that's just inexcusable. You're just randomly deciding to cause harm to another, costing them time and money, while gaining nothing except the thrill of being a jackass.

I said to the group that they really should change the law, so that if I were to catch someone committing this crime to my car, I should be able to immediately curb them, a la Ed Norton in American History X.

So what do you think, was that inappropriate post-dinner conversation?

Reviews of Films I Haven't Seen Yet 12/3/04

2004-12-03T16:38:00.000-05:00

Well, well, well...as (my) luck would have it, the inaugural edition of Reviews of Films I Haven't Seen Yet (TM) is debuting during a week in which only one major film is premiering. Nonetheless, I shall overcome this minor annoyance and push on like a dutiful little "blogger." First things fucking last...this weekly section of 4GNP will review upcoming movies and "films" which I haven't seen yet because unlike "real" movie critics I don't have the juice, the info, nor the connections to get myself an early screening of the week's films. So how can I possibly criticize films that I haven't even seen, you ask? Because 95%, scratch that, 99% of the nightmares that are produced by the so-called Dream Factory are totally formulaic, utterly predictable pieces of well-masticated horseshit. If you can't tell a movie's going to be a stinker (or in rare cases, a winner) simply by looking at the trailer, then by God, you need to get your life together and watch more TV. With the way films are marketed today, you probably see about forty percent of any given flick (and about eighty percent of the good parts) before it even hits the theater...and that's if you behave like the average person. Now, if you're an embarrassing media whore like me (and if you're one of the two people reading this then you obviously are), who absorbs every last piece of entertainment-related, pseudo-informational bullshit that comes across the airwaves, then by the time a particular film debuts you know how it begins, how it ends, and whether or not Eliza Dushku is naked in it. So that being said, I believe I have every right to pre-judge and blindly cast stones at things I haven't seen. People prognosticate (is that the right word?) about sport events before they see them, so why can't the same be done with movies? I don't need to step in shit to know it smells. And I'm (almost) never wrong. And even if I am, at least I won't be out ten bucks. And now onto the show....

Closer
directed by Mike Nichols; starring Julia Roberts, Jude Law

From the looks of it, this seems like a good old-fashioned "feel-bad" movie (obviously the reverse of the tried and true "feel-good" movie). Films like these fall into a very particular category, where quality and execution often make up for the bleakness and pessimism of the subject matter. Ironically enough, I usually like this kind of film. A dark story centered around two unhappy couples dealing with the complexities of infidelity and betrayal is just the kind of tale that society needs once in awhile to cleanse the collective palette of the saccharine aftertaste left behind by a steady stream of bullshit romantic comedies. I've often said that the modern romantic comedy is the most dangerous bit of societal propaganda in cinema today. With it's insidious blend of unrealistic romantic expectations and outlandish happy endings (nerd gets prom queen, hooker meets millionaire, society chick ditches rich fiance for quirky guy she met a week ago...not bloody fucking likely), this genre fucks more peoples' heads up than a month's worth of horror and porn combined. So when a movie comes along that actually portrays people and their relationships as the awful, nihilistic travesties that they truly are, something inside me smiles a little bit. Nothing like a cold dose of cinematic reality to send all the Freddy Prinze, Jr.'s and Reese Witherspoons' screaming back to the land of fake proms and contrived serendipity.
The problem with films like this is that you essentially have to see them alone (Neil Labute's Your Friends and Neighbors and Todd Solondz' Happiness are prime examples of this kind of film...shit, I saw them years ago and I still feel uneasy). Who the fuck are you going to go with to this movie? Your friends? You can't go to a film about relationships with your boys. You might as well ask them to go antiquing. Your girlfriend? Puh-leez. Yeah, like you don't have enough shit to worry about. "Hey honey, let's go see an uncomfortable film about couples with problems so you can notice some shit about us that you've never noticed before!" Fuck that. Your mom? If you even considered this option for more than the time it took to read it, then your problems are way beyond the scope of this entry. So like I said, you're on your own Pete.
The cast of four (4 Guys Named Moder!...now that's a movie I'd like to see) consists of Jude Law, Natalie Portman, Clive Owen, and the esteemed Mrs. Moder. Jude Law is everywhere these days. Get a good look at him kids, cause we won't be seeing him again for a long time. A decent actor, but this will be his third bomb in a row (I can still smell Alfie and that Angelina Jolie space crap from here), so he'll be splitting happy hour tabs with Vin Diesel in no time. Natalie Portman has a lot of admirers although I am not among them. This chick seemed to peak professionally at the age of twelve or thirteen or however the fuck old she was when she did The Professional eons ago. Problem is she seemed to stop growing physically at the same time. Supposedly she's naked in this thing, which to me makes this akin to kiddy porn. Arrested development is only good when it's a TV show. Clive Owen has been rumored to be in the running for the James Bond role and from what I've seen, I think he could pull it off. I heard his character in this film does some real twisted shit, so if he's anything like he was in Croupier (a solid indie he starred in a few years back), then he should be decent. And as for Julia Moder...let's just say I hope she takes a nice long hiatus after squeezing out her litter. Why this chick is the world's highest paid actress is completely beyond me. Isn't "America's Sweetheart" supposed to be cute and pretty and not some horse-face with a big mouth and oversized nostrils? Then again, what the fuck do I know? Bottom line on Closer: The Mariano Rivera Story? Rent it.
GM/P3

Michael Powell sensible, for a while

2004-12-03T13:15:00.000-05:00

In an op-ed in today's New York Times, FCC head Michael Powell made the utterly reasonable case that the FCC has a legal responsibility to regulate obscenity between 6 a.m. and 10 p.m. on the airwaves. He said that he agreed with the limits on the FCC, that if the laws were to go beyond the airwaves (as opposed to cable, for example), then it "might very well run afoul of the Constitution. And that is a step I do not want to take."

So he had me going, mostly agreeing with him, saying that he didn't want the FCC to be the "Bureau of Indecency" and stressing the importance of context in judging these things. He also pointed out that the reason the FCC wouldn't screen Saving Private Ryan was that that would be the first dangerous step towards censorship. But then he said this:

"If one slices through the rhetoric, you'll find that most opponents of the
agency's strong enforcement efforts believe that the government simply should
not impose any decency standard at all."

There are many things that Bush appointees don't know, don't understand, or enjoy lying about. Many, many things. Really, we could go on all day. But if Powell believes that to be the truth, then clearly he doesn't understand the argument against him.

As much as I might enjoy it, I'm not looking for porn on NBC at 8:00. I understand that Goodfellas should not be shown in its entirety on broadcast TV, though I'd appreciate it if they would just stop airing it rather than dubbing every other word out of Pesci's mouth.
It would just be nice if anyone in the executive branch would respect the fact that most of us respect the fact that they have a job to do. Donald Rumsfeld is in charge of Defense, and we respect that fact. Our problem with him is not that he chooses to defend the country but that his decisions are so mindbogglingly unhelpful to the security of this country and the world.

Michael Powell is in charge of making sure our airwaves are not obscene from 6 a.m.- 10 p.m. Powell explains the FCC standard as such: "For material to be indecent in the legal sense it must be of a sexual or excretory nature and it must be patently offensive." The vagueness of this, he admits, is enormous. While one community may find Howard Stern's "Lesbian Dating Game" patently offensive, my community surely finds Pat Robertson patently offensive every time he speaks about sex.One is comedy, one is "religion", one is mildly degrading, the other is entirely degrading.

I believe there should be a place on the air for both Robertson and Stern. I just wish Powell wouldn't accuse me of thinking he didn't have a job to do.

Misconceptions

2004-11-23T11:59:00.000-05:00

One thing this blog should do is to debunk common myths in society. We'll deal with many over time, I'm sure, ranging from "Al Gore claimed to invent the Internet" to Mr. Rogers (or Capt. Kangaroo) was a miltary sniper , people believe what they hear. Call them urban legends, call them Republican propoganda, call them out debunked at 4GuysNamedPete.

Kevin Drum, in an apt blurb on the timing of W's CIA shakeup (short version: Fail all you want, but don't say anything bad about W), said "The CIA's assessment of Iraq's WMD program turned out to be completely wrong. George Tenet reportedly called it a "slam dunk." No one was fired for this."

The "slam dunk" report comes from Bob Woodward's "Plan of Attack". According to the story, W looked at the intelligence and said, "This is the best we've got." Tenet responded, "Don't worry; it's a slam dunk case."

Bush wasn't asking if the intelligence was good. He wanted to know if he could sell it to the American people, to Congress, and the world. As Woodward said, "And, and the president kind of, as he's inclined to do, says 'Nice try, but that isn't gonna sell Joe Public. That isn't gonna convince Joe Public.'"

W wanted to market the intelligence. The accuracy or comprehensiveness of it was not the issue. Tenet said, you can sell it, it's a slam dunk. W could have his war and kill all the Iraqis he wanted because Tenet gave him enough for a strong sales presentation.

Why is this important? Because W often gets a pass on this issue, as people say that Clinton's CIA chief gave him bad intelligence. W's faith-based presidency didn't need good intelligence. It just needed a way to get enough people behind him. That's what Tenet provided, as requested. Don't blame him for W's priorities.

1st post

2004-11-14T12:52:00.000-05:00

Does this work? Not sure. Ask Pete.