Reviews of Films I Haven't Seen Yet 12/3/04

Well, well, well...as (my) luck would have it, the inaugural edition of Reviews of Films I Haven't Seen Yet (TM) is debuting during a week in which only one major film is premiering. Nonetheless, I shall overcome this minor annoyance and push on like a dutiful little "blogger." First things fucking last...this weekly section of 4GNP will review upcoming movies and "films" which I haven't seen yet because unlike "real" movie critics I don't have the juice, the info, nor the connections to get myself an early screening of the week's films. So how can I possibly criticize films that I haven't even seen, you ask? Because 95%, scratch that, 99% of the nightmares that are produced by the so-called Dream Factory are totally formulaic, utterly predictable pieces of well-masticated horseshit. If you can't tell a movie's going to be a stinker (or in rare cases, a winner) simply by looking at the trailer, then by God, you need to get your life together and watch more TV. With the way films are marketed today, you probably see about forty percent of any given flick (and about eighty percent of the good parts) before it even hits the theater...and that's if you behave like the average person. Now, if you're an embarrassing media whore like me (and if you're one of the two people reading this then you obviously are), who absorbs every last piece of entertainment-related, pseudo-informational bullshit that comes across the airwaves, then by the time a particular film debuts you know how it begins, how it ends, and whether or not Eliza Dushku is naked in it. So that being said, I believe I have every right to pre-judge and blindly cast stones at things I haven't seen. People prognosticate (is that the right word?) about sport events before they see them, so why can't the same be done with movies? I don't need to step in shit to know it smells. And I'm (almost) never wrong. And even if I am, at least I won't be out ten bucks. And now onto the show....

Closer
directed by Mike Nichols; starring Julia Roberts, Jude Law

From the looks of it, this seems like a good old-fashioned "feel-bad" movie (obviously the reverse of the tried and true "feel-good" movie). Films like these fall into a very particular category, where quality and execution often make up for the bleakness and pessimism of the subject matter. Ironically enough, I usually like this kind of film. A dark story centered around two unhappy couples dealing with the complexities of infidelity and betrayal is just the kind of tale that society needs once in awhile to cleanse the collective palette of the saccharine aftertaste left behind by a steady stream of bullshit romantic comedies. I've often said that the modern romantic comedy is the most dangerous bit of societal propaganda in cinema today. With it's insidious blend of unrealistic romantic expectations and outlandish happy endings (nerd gets prom queen, hooker meets millionaire, society chick ditches rich fiance for quirky guy she met a week ago...not bloody fucking likely), this genre fucks more peoples' heads up than a month's worth of horror and porn combined. So when a movie comes along that actually portrays people and their relationships as the awful, nihilistic travesties that they truly are, something inside me smiles a little bit. Nothing like a cold dose of cinematic reality to send all the Freddy Prinze, Jr.'s and Reese Witherspoons' screaming back to the land of fake proms and contrived serendipity.
The problem with films like this is that you essentially have to see them alone (Neil Labute's Your Friends and Neighbors and Todd Solondz' Happiness are prime examples of this kind of film...shit, I saw them years ago and I still feel uneasy). Who the fuck are you going to go with to this movie? Your friends? You can't go to a film about relationships with your boys. You might as well ask them to go antiquing. Your girlfriend? Puh-leez. Yeah, like you don't have enough shit to worry about. "Hey honey, let's go see an uncomfortable film about couples with problems so you can notice some shit about us that you've never noticed before!" Fuck that. Your mom? If you even considered this option for more than the time it took to read it, then your problems are way beyond the scope of this entry. So like I said, you're on your own Pete.
The cast of four (4 Guys Named Moder!...now that's a movie I'd like to see) consists of Jude Law, Natalie Portman, Clive Owen, and the esteemed Mrs. Moder. Jude Law is everywhere these days. Get a good look at him kids, cause we won't be seeing him again for a long time. A decent actor, but this will be his third bomb in a row (I can still smell Alfie and that Angelina Jolie space crap from here), so he'll be splitting happy hour tabs with Vin Diesel in no time. Natalie Portman has a lot of admirers although I am not among them. This chick seemed to peak professionally at the age of twelve or thirteen or however the fuck old she was when she did The Professional eons ago. Problem is she seemed to stop growing physically at the same time. Supposedly she's naked in this thing, which to me makes this akin to kiddy porn. Arrested development is only good when it's a TV show. Clive Owen has been rumored to be in the running for the James Bond role and from what I've seen, I think he could pull it off. I heard his character in this film does some real twisted shit, so if he's anything like he was in Croupier (a solid indie he starred in a few years back), then he should be decent. And as for Julia Moder...let's just say I hope she takes a nice long hiatus after squeezing out her litter. Why this chick is the world's highest paid actress is completely beyond me. Isn't "America's Sweetheart" supposed to be cute and pretty and not some horse-face with a big mouth and oversized nostrils? Then again, what the fuck do I know? Bottom line on Closer: The Mariano Rivera Story? Rent it.
GM/P3