Reviews of Films I Haven't Seen Yet 12/11/04

Column's a little off schedule this week, but the reviews of the unviewed are still dead on (if I may say so myself). Life, like shit, happens. Anyway, on to this week's crapfest...

Ocean's 12
dir. by Steven Soderbergh; starring George Clooney, Brad Pitt

Let me start off by saying that I don't really know what to make of this movie, just as I didn't really know what to make of its predecessor. Ocean's 11 was a tough movie to like and at the same time, it's a tough movie to hate. Part of you wants to hate it for all the right reasons. You hate the fact that these undeserving genetic-lottery winners get paid (more than you ever will) to basically go on vacation. You hate the fact that they're having so much fun...at "work." Every last one of them is phoning it in, from smug-ass Clooney to the obviously slumming-for-a-paycheck Don Cheadle. Fucking tragic.

And here's the kicker: they know what they're doing. They know their lives are better than yours and they also know that you're going to pay to watch them enjoy themselves, over and over again. So what if the script is half-baked, the concept is outlandish, and the international caper story has no basis in reality whatsoever? "Fuck you, we're ridiculously famous, now bend over!" And the sad part is, we'll just lube up, roll over, and do exactly as they say.

Why? Cause Ocean's Twelve is the cinematic equivalent of an all-star game. You know it's gonna suck before it even begins, but you watch anyway simply because it's cool to see all the big wigs in the same game. The same way you'd hope to see Jordan throw an alley-oop to Shaq, you hope that maybe Clooney will drop a witty Confessions of a Dangerous Mind reference while Pitt and Damon are in the scene. People watch these films for the same reason they watch The Superfriends, Comic Relief, or the Oscars. Whether it's in sports or in the movies, regular people love it when A-List egos get together and interact. Each one of them can carry a project on their own, but there's something special about watching them wallow in mediocrity as a unit. There's just something strangely comforting about these films. They give you that weird, reassuring, "The Gang's all here," feeling that you get once in a while at big weddings or Thanksgiving dinner. I understand the feeling. I get it. But I ain't payin' for it. Bottom line on the Hollywood All-Star Game? Skip it.


Blade: Trinity
dir. by David Goyer; starring Wesley Snipes, Jessica Biel

The trilogy known as Blade comes to an end and a screeching halt with this cheesy and stupid-looking final act. The trailer looks like utter shit and from what I've heard, so does the movie. Whenever there's a little kid in the film whose main purpose is to get the gruff hero to show his "soft" side, you know you're in for a headache. Check out the exchange between Nino Brown and the little girl in the trailer ("Why can't you just be nice?") and you'll know what I mean. Utter. Shit.

Supposedly, the one decent thing in this movie is the performance of Ryan "I'm not Chevy Chase" Reynolds. I'm not buying it. Snarky, cocky, frat-boy types piss me off on a sub-atomic level, so unless he delivers an image-altering, Pitt-in-Fight Club caliber performance, I'll stick with my original impression. Who knows, he may turn out to be the next Sir Laurence Olivier, but up until this point his spotless resume includes Van Wilder and Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place. I don't think I'll be changing my opinion any time soon.

As far as I can tell, the only good thing in this suckfest is Jessica Biel's ass. I watched that awful Texas Chainsaw remake from beginning to end, due entirely to the power of that girl's ass. Once this shit hits cable (now there's three words that look strange next to each other, "this shit hits," but I digress), I imagine I'll watch the final installment of this lackluster series for the same reason. Seventh heaven, indeed. Bottom line on Jessica's bottom? Love it. Bottom line on Blade: Always Bet on Black? Skip it.
GM/P3