Reviews of Films I Haven't Seen Yet: Holiday Spectacular

“I just don't understand Christmas, I guess. I like getting presents and sending Christmas cards and decorating trees and all that, but I'm still not happy. I always end up feeling depressed.”
-Charlie Brown, A Charlie Brown Christmas

Damn straight, Chuck. At least we can all be thankful that the movies will always be there to distract us and take us away from the horrors of home and family. If it weren’t for the movies, I would have stuck my head in the oven a long time ago. Bah Humbug, indeed.


The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou
Dir. by Wes Anderson; starring Bill Murray, Owen Wilson

I’ve always liked Wes Anderson’s movies. They’re weird, they’re ironic, they’re offbeat. They’re the film equivalent of good-natured indie rock. Keep it up, Wes. You give us all hope.

I have nothing bad to say about this film or any of his others. Bottom line: See it.


Fat Albert
Dir. by Joel Zwick; starring Kenan Thompson, Bill Cosby

In Eddie Murphy: Raw, the comedian formerly known as The Funniest Man on the Planet told the audience how Richard Pryor wanted him to tell Bill Cosby to, “Have a Coke and a smile and shut the fuck up!” That was almost twenty years ago. It’s unfortunate how Richard is the one who has trouble talking now, while Bill Cosby’s lips continue to move. Dr. Cosby, do a sick man a favor and shut the fuck up. This exercise in cinematic idiocy is as funny as MS and makes about as much sense as one of your sweater patterns. Bottom line: Skip it.


Meet the Fockers
Dir. by Jay Roach; starring Robert De Niro, Ben Stiller

No focking thanks. Skip it.


Darkness
Dir. by Jaume Balaguero; starring Anna Paquin, Lena Olin

This actually looks like it might be scary. Then again, like most things in life, it’s probably going to suck and disappoint the fuck out of me, but I’m guessing there might be one or two worthwhile “jump moments” in it. Let’s face it, that’s all you can really expect from today’s horror films. Plus, it deals with little kids dying and that’s always good for a laugh. Bottom line: See it.


The Phantom of the Opera
Dir. by Joel Schumacher; starring Emmy Rossum, Gerard Butler

At least this time, The Man Who Killed Batman couldn’t possibly make this particular story any gayer. I would actually choose spending time with my parents over seeing this film. And believe you me, that’s saying a fucking lot. Skip it.


The Woodsman
Dir. by Nicole Kassell; starring Kevin Bacon, Kyra Sedgwick Bacon

Even though these days people play Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon about as often as you bust out your old Hungry, Hungry Hippos game, wouldn’t it be worth playing one more time just so you can hear somebody say, “Oh c’mon, I know this… it’s that pedophile movie where he fucks that four year old. You know the one I’m talking about? What the hell was the name of that movie again?”

I’ve always liked Bacon, as both an actor and a breakfast treat. For reasons unknown to everyone, HBO must have played Quicksilver and that movie where he’s an abusive Outward Bound camp counselor about 9,000 times during the summer of 1986. God knows why, but I was there every single time. Any movie fucked up enough to have a pedophile as the hero has got to be interesting one way or another. Bottom line: See it.


Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events
Dir. by Brad Silberling; starring Jim Carrey, Meryl Streep

Who would have thought that the names Jim Carrey and Meryl Streep would ever appear next to each other on a movie marquee? Not that I’m a big Meryl Streep fan or anything (I believe Kramer vs. Kramer and Adaptation. are the only movies I’ve ever seen her in, as if you cared to know), but the fact that Fire Marshall Bill is co-starring with Oscar’s number one female is no small feat by any means. White Chicks notwithstanding, I guess Keenan Ivory Wayans knows talent when he sees it.

As for the movie itself, this looks like some warmed-over Harry Potter bullshit, but if you like that twee, fantasy crap then knock yourself out. I don’t get the whole Harry Potter thing in the first place, so I’m assuming I won’t get pseudo-Potter material either. Bottom line: Skip it.


Spanglish
Dir. by James L. Brooks; starring Adam Sandler, Tea Leoni

This looks like a mutated, B-movie version of American Beauty if it were crossbred with Real Women Have Curves. James Hell Brooks can do better than this. Bottom line: Skip it.


Beyond the Sea
Dir. by Kevin Spacey; starring Keyser Soze, Kate Bosworth

Speaking of American Beauty, Kevin Spacey hasn’t done anything good since. This craptacular “biopic” continues the streak. Bottom line: Skip it.


The Aviator
Dir. by Martin Scorsese; starring Leonardo DiCaprio, Kate Beckinsale

What the hell happened to Kate Beckinsale? She was always a good-looking girl, but Jesus Christ, when exactly did she get so hot? I caught Brokedown Palace the other day and at the time Claire Danes was clearly the better looking of the two, but fast forward a few years later and BAM! I mean goddamn! Have you seen that Diet Coke commercial?! Ooofaa…anyway, Scorsese’s clearly hit the wall (again) with this one, but if you want to catch Katie Becks in her prizime then check it out. I know I will. Bottom line: Rent it.