Reviews of Films I Haven't Seen Yet: Post-Apocalyptic (Holiday) Edition

"I hate every ape I see, from chimpan-A to chimpan-Z...Guess you finally made a monkey out of me..." I don't know why I just wrote that, but it felt good. Things are not going according to plan this week and neither are this season's films (like how I did that?). Anyway, onto the flicks...


Coach Carter
Dir. by Thomas Carter; starring Samuel L. Jackson, Ashanti

Crazy Joe Clark and Jules Winnfield fuck and have a kid. They name him Ken Carter and he grows up to be a basketball coach. He proceeds to expeditiously shepherd a group of lost children beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men through the valley of darkness. And he yells. A lot. Bottom line: Skip it.


Racing Stripes
Dir. by Frederik Du Chau; starring Frankie Muniz, Snoop Dogg

Gangsta rap has really come a long way. For the love of God, Snoop Dogg is in a kid's movie with Malcolm in the Middle about a fucking talking zebra. I remember when some record stores wouldn't sell The Chronic unless it was wrapped in an opaque plastic cover. Or maybe that was Quiet Riot. I've got to stop doing so much acid. Bottom lizine: Skiznip.


Are We There Yet?
Dir. by Brian Levant; starring Ice Cube, Nia Long

Speaking of gangsta rap, O'Shea Jackson stars in this road trip movie about a single guy and his girlfriend's kids. Meanwhile, Eazy E is doing cartwheels in his grave. Then again, the trailer actually made me laugh a few times. So I guess what I'm saying is, fuck Eazy E...youse a penguin-lookin' muthafucka! Beeotch!!! Bottom line: Rent it.


In Good Company
Dir. by Paul Weitz; starring Topher Grace, Dennis Quaid

Sometimes it doesn't pay to be ahead of your time. Let me explain: I've been saying that Topher Grace is the best young actor on television for years. But now that this movie's out and it looks like a big fucking winner, it's gonna look like I'm just jumping on the bandwagon with everyone else. That's because no one listens to me or takes me seriously...well, everyone except the invisible man only Dakota Fanning and I can see. More on that later. Bottom line: See it.


Elektra
Dir. by Rob Bowman; starring Jennifer Garner, Goran Visnjic

Why would you make a spin-off based on a film that sucked? You don't hear anyone clamoring for Weird Harold: The Movie, do you? Some things don't make any sense to me and I guess they never will. Like why are so many people so fucking up on this Jennifer Garner chick? Alias sucks and personally she's always struck me as a tad mannish (guess Jennifer Lopez turned Ben Affleck gay after all). Like Buffy before it, I've always hated "superhero" shows featuring girls who thrash roomfuls of bad guys twice their size without breaking a sweat or a fingernail. I like my action like I like my porn: Gritty. Again, more on that later. Bottom line: Skip it.


White Noise
Dir. by Geoffrey Sax; starring Michael Keaton, Deborah Kara Unger

Nice to see Michael Keaton finally getting some work done. He probably shit the bed when he decided to hang up the Batsuit, but then again, I wouldn't have worked with Joel Schumacher either.

This movie looks pretty lame, but the premise kind of intrigues me (for those keeping score: it's about the "real life" phenomenon called white noise, in which mysterious sounds and voices pop up on cassettes which are supposed to be recording nothing but silence). It also features Deborah Kara Unger, an actress from the "That Guy" school of acting, who always plays those sorts of bitter, hard luck, former beauty queen types. She should team up with Maria Bello and do a realistic version of Showgirls with more coke and less Jessie Spano. Bottom line: Rent it.


Assault on Precint 13
Dir. by Jean Francois-Richet; starring Ethan Hawke, Laurence Fishburne

For once, this remake of John Carpenter's low-grade action flick actually seems like a good idea. The original is okay in a kitschy sorta way, but let's face it, it also kinda sucks. Hawke is rarely terrible and Larry Fishburne may be one of the most underrated actors of all time. Should make for a marginally interesting film. Bottom line: Rent it.