Reviews of Films I Haven't Seen Yet: Gold-Plated Postgame

I figured I should follow up my stellar Oscar edition with a little postgame analysis. First and foremost, I’ve gotta admit that the Chris Rock experiment didn’t go as badly as I thought (read: hoped). He wasn’t terrible, but he wasn’t that funny either. I guess you’ve got to give the man credit for saying “ass” and “sucks” within the first two minutes of his monologue. But let’s face it, the shit was mediocre. The Oscars aren’t meant to be young and/or hip. Like funerals and graduations, some things are supposed to be lame and stilted. Watching a de-balled Chris Rock doing Hollywood jokes in a rented tux is about as entertaining as listening to a stripper talk about her kids during a lap dance. Certain people (as well as certain topics) should always be kept in their proper context and element. Anyway, let’s get to the postgame…



Best Performance by an Actor in a Leading Role-

Winner: Jamie Foxx
What I said: Clint Eastwood

Guess Foxx’s relentless impression of Ray Charles (on and off-screen) finally paid off. Better luck next time, Don. You’ll be back. By the way, what was up with the show using the theme song from “The Terminator?” Not that I’m complaining, but it seemed a little out of place…sort of like Chris Rock. The theme of the night seemed to be “fish-outta-water.”


Best Performance by an Actress in a Leading Role-

Winner: Hilary Swank
What I said: Annette Bening

My personal pick for best actress also happens to look like a horse (Howard Stern never plays a sound byte from her without playing neighing sounds in the background). That being said, she beat Annette Bening…again. Guess Warren’s the only one who knows how to close a deal in that family.


Best Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role-

Winner: Morgan Freeman
What I said: Thomas Haden Church

“Red: [narrating] There is a harsh truth to face. No way I'm gonna make it on the outside. All I do anymore is think of ways to break my parole. Terrible thing, to live in fear. Brooks Hatlen knew it. Knew it all too well. All I want is to be back where things make sense.”
This award makes sense. The right man won. Get busy living.


Best Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role-

Winner: Cate Blanchett
What I said: Cate Blanchett

You’ve gotta be pretty fucking famous to win from beyond the grave. Katherine Hepburn’s pretty fucking famous.


Best Achievement in Directing-

Winner: Clint Eastwood
What I said: Clint Eastwood

The Man with No Name does it again. I know he’s feeling lucky, but are you? Well, are ya? Punk?!


Best Writing, Screenplay Written Directly for the Screen-

Winner: Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
What I said: Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

What did I tell you? It’s that fucking good.


Best Writing, Screenplay Based on Material Previously Produced-

Winner: Sideways
What I said: Finding Neverland

I was hoping this won and it did, in spite of my cynicism. Too bad life rarely works out that way.


Best Animated Feature Film of the Year-

Winner: The Incredibles
What I said: The Incredibles

I said it before and I’ll say it again…overrated.


Best Documentary-

Winner: Born Into Brothels: Calcutta's Red Light Kids
What I said: Super Size Me

If a film wins an Oscar without anyone ever seeing it or hearing about it, does it make a sound? Apparently.


Best Motion Picture of the Year-

Winner: Million Dollar Baby
What I said: The Aviator

I’m surprised. Guess the Academy endorses suicide after all. Color me impressed. Good job, Dirty Harry. Keep knocking ‘em dead.

So, I’m 4 for 10 in my first attempt at this bullshit. Not bad. Okay, I’m gonna go put my balls back on now. Peace.