Reviews of Films I Haven't Seen Yet: Summer's Dirty Dozen

"What I used to be able to pass off as just another bad summer could now potentially turn into a bad life."
-Chris Eigeman, Kicking and Screaming (1995)

Summertime. That used to mean something to me. Freedom. Independence. Vacation. Now it just means that the next four months are going to be hotter than the last four. The summer doesn't really mean anything when you're an "adult." Well, at least the movies are different. Summertime is prime time in LaLa Land, the time of year when the Dream Factory churns out its biggest, baddest wares to get out there and grab your last honest buck. Batman, Darth Vader and remakes galore are coming at you left and right, all trying to entertain your ass off.

I figure there are three ways to approach this whole "summer movie" phenomenon. You could look at it as a perfect example of plebeian American culture at its very worst, with the whole of Hollywood cast as an unfeeling, money-making machine run on a combination of corporate greed and creative bankruptcy that feeds off the self-fulfilling prophecies and addled expectations of a fickle, shallow society that is either too stupid to notice, or too lazy to care. Or you can view it as simple entertainment: slickly produced bang-zoomery for those who would like nothing more than to kick back and happily munch on some salty popcorn for a few hours. Or, in the case of George Lucas in particular, you can argue that the best of these films go down in history (in spite of ourselves) because they possess the rare ability to reach scores of lonely children who realized early on that the embellishments of fantasy are infinitely better than anything reality has to offer. I don't know one way or the other. Onto the dirty dozen...



Monster-In-Law
Dir. by Robert Luketic; starring J to the L to the Izzo, Hanoi Jane

"I like big butts and I can not lie, you other brothers can't deny, that when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face, you get sprung, wanna pull out your tongue; cause you notice that butt was stuffed deep in the jeans she's wearing, I'm hooked and I can't stop staring..."
Nice Thick Bottom line: Rent it.


Wedding Crashers
Dir. by David Dobkin; starring Owen Wilson, Vince Vaughn

Ben Stiller's boyfriend and my brother from another mother star in this wacky, mainstream ditty about two guys who pick up chicks at weddings. Sounds simple enough. Sold.
Bottom line: See it.


Cinderella Man
Dir. by Ron Howard; starring Russell Crowe, Renee Zellweger

Maximus and Richie Cunningham team up one more time to unleash another treacly "epic" about a fucked-up guy trying to overcome his fucked-up situation by participating in some fucked-up athletics. If Crowe wasn't so pissed off all the time, he wouldn't get an ounce of respect, but at the end of the day, he's a pretty decent actor. Oh, and I heard this is the movie where Renee Zellweger looks like a concentration camper sucking on a lemon...oh right, she looks like that in every movie.
Bottom line: Rent it.


The Dukes of Hazzard
Dir. by Jay Chandrasekhar; starring Jessica Simpson, Johnny Knoxville

"I like big tits and I can not lie, you other brothers can't deny, that when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and some round things in your face, you get sprung, wanna pull out your tongue..."
Bottom line: Rent it.


Mr. and Mrs. Smith
Dir. by Doug Liman; starring Angelina Jolie, Tyler Fuckin' Durden

The man who brought us Swingers takes another step towards hackdom with this ridiculous farce about married assassins starring the world's most perfect human beings. Again (given my disposition), I should hate everything about Pitt, I really should. But goddamnit, I just can't bring myself to do it. For every Meet Joe Black he delivers a True Romance, for every Ocean's Eleven, he gives me some Snatch, and on and on and on. It's like a bad relationship, albeit with someone I don't know...who also happens to be a man. As for his co-star, let's just say that I find her attractive.
Bottom line: Rent it.


War of the Worlds
Dir. by Senor Spielbergo; starring Tom Cruise, Dakota Fanning

Mr. Durden's co-star from Interview with the Vampire stars in this small, independent film about space invaders and the havoc they cause on earth. From what I've heard, the neophyte director's avant-garde style and highly experimental execution make for some very interesting filmmaking. Although this picture is expected to do only so-so business at the box office, rumor has it he has bright future ahead of him. Boo-urns, indeed.
Bottom line: Rent it.


Hustle & Flow
Dir. by Craig Brewer; starring Terrence Howard, DJ Qualls

This real indie flick about a Southern pimp looking for redemption through rap music was a real big deal at the Sundance Film Festival. Supposedly it's very well done and does for Southern hip-hop what Boyz N the Hood did for gangsta rap (John Singleton is a producer on this one). If all this is true, then this film should be teaching a whole new generation of white kids how to be black in no time.
Bottom line: Rent it.


Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
Dir. by Tim Burton; starring Johnny Depp, Helena Bonham Carter

I somehow missed the original Willy Wonka movie during my "experimental" (i.e. acid-ingesting) days and it seems like the only way I could possibly enjoy this unnecessary remake by the man who abandoned Batman is by returning to the bad habits that helped define those days...yeah, I don't think so.
Bottom line: Skip it.


Bad News Bears
Dir. by Richard Linklater; starring Billy Bob Thornton, Greg Kinnear

The ex-host of Talk Soup and the ex-husband of the world's most perfect female headline this dazed and confused remake of the Walter Matthau classic. As I've said before, I'm usually against remakes, especially of good films, but this looks like it might actually work. I like Billy Bob in almost everything he's done and I sort of respect him for getting as far as he has without the benefit of "matinee idol" looks (as well as for bagging the score of the millennium). If Bad News Bears is as good as Bad Santa, then more power to him.
Bottom line: See it.

Bewitched
Dir. by Nora Ephron; starring Nicole Kidman, Will Ferrell

Believe it or not, the premise behind this "reimagining" is fairly intriguing. Instead of doing an out and out remake of the series, the filmmakers put a very meta twist on the whole thing and actually make the story about the fictional remaking of Bewitched. Nicole Kidman is perfectly cast as Samantha and although Jim Carrey would have been the perfect Derwood, Will Ferrell isn't a bad second choice. Either way, none of this is gonna be enough to get my tired ass into the theater.
Bottom line: Rent it.


Batman Begins
Dir. by Christopher Nolan; starring Christian Bale, Katie Holmes

If Katie Holmes and her stupid little voice fuck this up, I'm gonna be mighty fucking pissed. I've been waiting for a good Batman film for 16 fucking years. That's a lot of fucking waiting.
Bottom line: See it.


Star Wars: Episode III- Revenge of the Sith
Dir. by George Lucas; starring Hayden Christensen, Ewan McGregor

For people of a certain age and ilk, this is the cinematic equivalent of a wake, a funeral, and a graduation all wrapped up in one event. And for those of you who don't care, you'll still be affected by it, one way or another. May the Force be with you. Always.
Bottom line: See it.