Reviews of Films I Haven't Seen Yet: Summer's Dirty Dozen

"What I used to be able to pass off as just another bad summer could now potentially turn into a bad life."
-Chris Eigeman, Kicking and Screaming (1995)

Summertime. That used to mean something to me. Freedom. Independence. Vacation. Now it just means that the next four months are going to be hotter than the last four. The summer doesn't really mean anything when you're an "adult." Well, at least the movies are different. Summertime is prime time in LaLa Land, the time of year when the Dream Factory churns out its biggest, baddest wares to get out there and grab your last honest buck. Batman, Darth Vader and remakes galore are coming at you left and right, all trying to entertain your ass off.

I figure there are three ways to approach this whole "summer movie" phenomenon. You could look at it as a perfect example of plebeian American culture at its very worst, with the whole of Hollywood cast as an unfeeling, money-making machine run on a combination of corporate greed and creative bankruptcy that feeds off the self-fulfilling prophecies and addled expectations of a fickle, shallow society that is either too stupid to notice, or too lazy to care. Or you can view it as simple entertainment: slickly produced bang-zoomery for those who would like nothing more than to kick back and happily munch on some salty popcorn for a few hours. Or, in the case of George Lucas in particular, you can argue that the best of these films go down in history (in spite of ourselves) because they possess the rare ability to reach scores of lonely children who realized early on that the embellishments of fantasy are infinitely better than anything reality has to offer. I don't know one way or the other. Onto the dirty dozen...



Monster-In-Law
Dir. by Robert Luketic; starring J to the L to the Izzo, Hanoi Jane

"I like big butts and I can not lie, you other brothers can't deny, that when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face, you get sprung, wanna pull out your tongue; cause you notice that butt was stuffed deep in the jeans she's wearing, I'm hooked and I can't stop staring..."
Nice Thick Bottom line: Rent it.


Wedding Crashers
Dir. by David Dobkin; starring Owen Wilson, Vince Vaughn

Ben Stiller's boyfriend and my brother from another mother star in this wacky, mainstream ditty about two guys who pick up chicks at weddings. Sounds simple enough. Sold.
Bottom line: See it.


Cinderella Man
Dir. by Ron Howard; starring Russell Crowe, Renee Zellweger

Maximus and Richie Cunningham team up one more time to unleash another treacly "epic" about a fucked-up guy trying to overcome his fucked-up situation by participating in some fucked-up athletics. If Crowe wasn't so pissed off all the time, he wouldn't get an ounce of respect, but at the end of the day, he's a pretty decent actor. Oh, and I heard this is the movie where Renee Zellweger looks like a concentration camper sucking on a lemon...oh right, she looks like that in every movie.
Bottom line: Rent it.


The Dukes of Hazzard
Dir. by Jay Chandrasekhar; starring Jessica Simpson, Johnny Knoxville

"I like big tits and I can not lie, you other brothers can't deny, that when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and some round things in your face, you get sprung, wanna pull out your tongue..."
Bottom line: Rent it.


Mr. and Mrs. Smith
Dir. by Doug Liman; starring Angelina Jolie, Tyler Fuckin' Durden

The man who brought us Swingers takes another step towards hackdom with this ridiculous farce about married assassins starring the world's most perfect human beings. Again (given my disposition), I should hate everything about Pitt, I really should. But goddamnit, I just can't bring myself to do it. For every Meet Joe Black he delivers a True Romance, for every Ocean's Eleven, he gives me some Snatch, and on and on and on. It's like a bad relationship, albeit with someone I don't know...who also happens to be a man. As for his co-star, let's just say that I find her attractive.
Bottom line: Rent it.


War of the Worlds
Dir. by Senor Spielbergo; starring Tom Cruise, Dakota Fanning

Mr. Durden's co-star from Interview with the Vampire stars in this small, independent film about space invaders and the havoc they cause on earth. From what I've heard, the neophyte director's avant-garde style and highly experimental execution make for some very interesting filmmaking. Although this picture is expected to do only so-so business at the box office, rumor has it he has bright future ahead of him. Boo-urns, indeed.
Bottom line: Rent it.


Hustle & Flow
Dir. by Craig Brewer; starring Terrence Howard, DJ Qualls

This real indie flick about a Southern pimp looking for redemption through rap music was a real big deal at the Sundance Film Festival. Supposedly it's very well done and does for Southern hip-hop what Boyz N the Hood did for gangsta rap (John Singleton is a producer on this one). If all this is true, then this film should be teaching a whole new generation of white kids how to be black in no time.
Bottom line: Rent it.


Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
Dir. by Tim Burton; starring Johnny Depp, Helena Bonham Carter

I somehow missed the original Willy Wonka movie during my "experimental" (i.e. acid-ingesting) days and it seems like the only way I could possibly enjoy this unnecessary remake by the man who abandoned Batman is by returning to the bad habits that helped define those days...yeah, I don't think so.
Bottom line: Skip it.


Bad News Bears
Dir. by Richard Linklater; starring Billy Bob Thornton, Greg Kinnear

The ex-host of Talk Soup and the ex-husband of the world's most perfect female headline this dazed and confused remake of the Walter Matthau classic. As I've said before, I'm usually against remakes, especially of good films, but this looks like it might actually work. I like Billy Bob in almost everything he's done and I sort of respect him for getting as far as he has without the benefit of "matinee idol" looks (as well as for bagging the score of the millennium). If Bad News Bears is as good as Bad Santa, then more power to him.
Bottom line: See it.

Bewitched
Dir. by Nora Ephron; starring Nicole Kidman, Will Ferrell

Believe it or not, the premise behind this "reimagining" is fairly intriguing. Instead of doing an out and out remake of the series, the filmmakers put a very meta twist on the whole thing and actually make the story about the fictional remaking of Bewitched. Nicole Kidman is perfectly cast as Samantha and although Jim Carrey would have been the perfect Derwood, Will Ferrell isn't a bad second choice. Either way, none of this is gonna be enough to get my tired ass into the theater.
Bottom line: Rent it.


Batman Begins
Dir. by Christopher Nolan; starring Christian Bale, Katie Holmes

If Katie Holmes and her stupid little voice fuck this up, I'm gonna be mighty fucking pissed. I've been waiting for a good Batman film for 16 fucking years. That's a lot of fucking waiting.
Bottom line: See it.


Star Wars: Episode III- Revenge of the Sith
Dir. by George Lucas; starring Hayden Christensen, Ewan McGregor

For people of a certain age and ilk, this is the cinematic equivalent of a wake, a funeral, and a graduation all wrapped up in one event. And for those of you who don't care, you'll still be affected by it, one way or another. May the Force be with you. Always.
Bottom line: See it.

Reviews of Films I Haven't Seen Yet: Gold-Plated Postgame

I figured I should follow up my stellar Oscar edition with a little postgame analysis. First and foremost, I’ve gotta admit that the Chris Rock experiment didn’t go as badly as I thought (read: hoped). He wasn’t terrible, but he wasn’t that funny either. I guess you’ve got to give the man credit for saying “ass” and “sucks” within the first two minutes of his monologue. But let’s face it, the shit was mediocre. The Oscars aren’t meant to be young and/or hip. Like funerals and graduations, some things are supposed to be lame and stilted. Watching a de-balled Chris Rock doing Hollywood jokes in a rented tux is about as entertaining as listening to a stripper talk about her kids during a lap dance. Certain people (as well as certain topics) should always be kept in their proper context and element. Anyway, let’s get to the postgame…



Best Performance by an Actor in a Leading Role-

Winner: Jamie Foxx
What I said: Clint Eastwood

Guess Foxx’s relentless impression of Ray Charles (on and off-screen) finally paid off. Better luck next time, Don. You’ll be back. By the way, what was up with the show using the theme song from “The Terminator?” Not that I’m complaining, but it seemed a little out of place…sort of like Chris Rock. The theme of the night seemed to be “fish-outta-water.”


Best Performance by an Actress in a Leading Role-

Winner: Hilary Swank
What I said: Annette Bening

My personal pick for best actress also happens to look like a horse (Howard Stern never plays a sound byte from her without playing neighing sounds in the background). That being said, she beat Annette Bening…again. Guess Warren’s the only one who knows how to close a deal in that family.


Best Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role-

Winner: Morgan Freeman
What I said: Thomas Haden Church

“Red: [narrating] There is a harsh truth to face. No way I'm gonna make it on the outside. All I do anymore is think of ways to break my parole. Terrible thing, to live in fear. Brooks Hatlen knew it. Knew it all too well. All I want is to be back where things make sense.”
This award makes sense. The right man won. Get busy living.


Best Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role-

Winner: Cate Blanchett
What I said: Cate Blanchett

You’ve gotta be pretty fucking famous to win from beyond the grave. Katherine Hepburn’s pretty fucking famous.


Best Achievement in Directing-

Winner: Clint Eastwood
What I said: Clint Eastwood

The Man with No Name does it again. I know he’s feeling lucky, but are you? Well, are ya? Punk?!


Best Writing, Screenplay Written Directly for the Screen-

Winner: Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
What I said: Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

What did I tell you? It’s that fucking good.


Best Writing, Screenplay Based on Material Previously Produced-

Winner: Sideways
What I said: Finding Neverland

I was hoping this won and it did, in spite of my cynicism. Too bad life rarely works out that way.


Best Animated Feature Film of the Year-

Winner: The Incredibles
What I said: The Incredibles

I said it before and I’ll say it again…overrated.


Best Documentary-

Winner: Born Into Brothels: Calcutta's Red Light Kids
What I said: Super Size Me

If a film wins an Oscar without anyone ever seeing it or hearing about it, does it make a sound? Apparently.


Best Motion Picture of the Year-

Winner: Million Dollar Baby
What I said: The Aviator

I’m surprised. Guess the Academy endorses suicide after all. Color me impressed. Good job, Dirty Harry. Keep knocking ‘em dead.

So, I’m 4 for 10 in my first attempt at this bullshit. Not bad. Okay, I’m gonna go put my balls back on now. Peace.

Reviews of Films I Haven't Seen Yet: Gold-Plated Oscar Edition

“Awards for art are fucking idiotic. Unless two people are doing the exact same thing, how can you really say somebody's better than the other?”
-Chris Rock (2005)

The real question is, “What comedian would risk every ounce of his street cred to host what might arguably be the lamest and most conservative awards show this side of the Country Music Awards?” That’s right, one who needs a job. Now let’s make like Frank DeCaro and knock the shit outta this Oscar crap. But first, this episode’s films…


Hitch
Dir. by Andy Tennant; starring The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, Kevin James

I have to admit that the trailer for this made me laugh. Along with farts and monkeys wearing helmets, fat guys trying to dance and open-handed bitch slaps are always funny. Unfortunately, I heard all the good parts are in the trailer. Big fucking surprise. Guess I’ll have to entertain myself with reruns of the Carlton dance.
Bottom line: Rent it.


Constantine
Dir. by Francis Lawrence; starring Keanu Reeves, Rachel Weisz

Dressing Ted Theodore Logan in the same exact suit he wore at the beginning of The Matrix is just one example of the countless mistakes that were made by the retards responsible for this travesty. If you actually wanna see “Matrix: Revolutions meets The Exorcist II” then by all means, rush out and see it. As for me, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, Wyld Stallyns do not rule.
Bottom line: Skip it.


Because of Winn-Dixie
Dir. by Wayne Wang; starring Annasophia Robb, Dave Matthews

Dave Matthews stars in this movie about a smiling dog (yes, you read that correctly) that goes around making people in a small town happy…there is no reason for me to continue typing.
Bottom line: Skip it.


Son of the Mask
Dir. by Lawrence Guterman; starring Jamie Kennedy, Traylor Howard

That idiot from that unwatchable show on The WB (which one, right?) tries to ape Jim Carrey aping Tex Avery cartoons that are about a zillion times funnier than the both of them combined. Traylor Howard’s pretty cute, but goddamn, that’s one hell of a name, right? “Traylor”…Jesus. Can you imagine what her life would be like if she was a big fat chick instead of an Anne Heche clone? Yeah, me neither.
Bottom line: Skip it.


Boogeyman
Dir. by Stephen T. Kay; starring Barry Watson, Lucy Lawless

“Lucy Lawless.” Now if that isn’t the best porno name this side of “Buck Naked,” then you can slap me around and call me Susan (or Xena, for that matter). From the looks of this godawful crapfest, a career in porn might not be too far off for our warrior princess after all.
Bottom line: Skip it.


The Wedding Date
Dir. by Clare Kilner; starring Debra Messing, Dermot Mulroney

A romantic comedy starring an annoying and unfunny actress from one of the unfunniest and most annoying (yet strangely successful) sitcoms of all time. Oh, and Dermot Mulroney’s in it too.
Bottom line: Skip it.


Man of the House
Dir. by Stephen Herek; starring Tommy Lee Jones and a Murderers’ Row of Ridiculously Hot Girls

Based on the 1995 classic starring Chevy Chase, Farrah Fawcett, and the gay kid from Home Improvement (again- which one, right?), Tommy Lee Jones portrays a cop who gets caught up in a murder plot when a bunch of cheerleaders happen to witness…oh, who fucking cares. This film stars a squadron (a literal squadron) of unbelievably talented girls whom I predict will dominate every teensploitation flick coming down the pike for the next five years. Remember these names: Kelli Garner, Monica Keena, Christina Milian, and Paula ‘Effin Garces. In the immortal words of one Jerome Seinfeld, “I haven't seen four women like this together outside of a Russ Meyer film.”
Bottom line: Rent it…alone.


Cursed
Dir. by Wes Craven; starring Christina Ricci, Shannon Elizabeth

Speaking of Russ Meyer, here are two perfect examples of actresses whose dubious stars are fading faster than you can say, “Thora Birch.” Me and my man Russ have three words for you girls: Full. Frontal. Nudity. That being said, if you wanna see a good Wes Craven movie, check out The Last House on the Left. If it’s not the most disturbing thing you’ve ever seen, it’ll be the funniest thing you’ve ever seen (guess which one I picked). And remember, to avoid fainting, keep repeating, "It's only a movie...It's only a movie..."
Bottom line: Skip it.


Diary of a Mad Black Woman
Dir. by Darren Grant; starring Kimberly Elise, Tyler Perry

I imagine that the only people who are going to see this thing are black women and their mad boyfriends. All I can say is, if you liked Soul Food and Waiting to Exhale, then you’ve probably uttered, “You go girl!” within the last ten years without a hint of irony. Good luck.
Bottom line: Skip it.


The Pacifier
Dir. by Adam Shankman; starring Vin Diesel, Lauren Graham

A man once wrote that Mark Vincent (also known as “The Dies”) delivers his lines like someone who just came out of oral surgery. I’m not about to disagree.
Bottom line: Skip it.



And the Oscar pick goes to…me. Welcome to my first ever Academy Awards Analysis Extravaganza (can’t you just feel the excitement, jackass?). Beneath the blurb, the area dedicated to My Pick will show the film I would choose to win if I were James Cameron, King of the World. The section below shows who I think the actual winner is going to be. So technically, my “Oscar picks” are the ones that are not labeled “My Picks.” Get it? Good, cause explaining that again would threaten my unblemished record of staunch heterosexuality. Let the gambling and debauchery begin!


Best Performance by an Actor in a Leading Role Nominees:
Don Cheadle for Hotel Rwanda
Johnny Depp for Finding Neverland
Leonardo DiCaprio for The Aviator
Clint Eastwood for Million Dollar Baby
Jamie Foxx for Ray

Don Cheadle deserves this. A good actor who’s often trapped in bad films, it seems like he’s finally found a vehicle worthy of his talent. The others just don’t match up. Depp has been playing the same kind of ethereal weirdo for years (with few notable exceptions). He's like the male Stevie Nicks. Jamie Foxx has become way too annoying at this point to win. He doesn’t seem to realize that in order to actually be Ray Charles you have to be dead as well as blind. Clint’s glory days are behind him and DiCaprio’s life is just too fucking good, so Don deserves to come out golden. Unfortunately, birds of a feather flock together, so the codgers will probably vote for good old Clint.

My Pick: Don Cheadle
…But the winner is: The Man with No Name


Best Performance by an Actress in a Leading Role Nominees:
Annette Bening for Being Julia
Catalina Sandino Moreno for Maria Full of Grace
Imelda Staunton for Vera Drake
Hilary Swank for Million Dollar Baby
Kate Winslet for Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

I have no fucking clue who’s gonna win this one. Kate Winslet was very good in Eternal Sunshine…, but she reminds me of someone I don’t like, so I’m hoping she doesn’t win (yes, it’s faulty logic, but who ever said Oscar voting had to be logical?). Karate Kid IV’s Hilary Swank won’t win cause her character does something “The Man” doesn’t approve of (if you haven’t seen the movie…well, I haven’t either, but I know what happens and I won’t ruin it here). And then there’s Annette Bening in Being Julia. She plays an actress in the film and everyone knows that showbiz people love watching other showbiz people acting like “pretend” showbiz people, so just give her the fucking statue already.

My Pick: Hilary Swank
…But the winner is: Annette Bening


Best performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role Nominees:
Alan Alda for The Aviator
Thomas Haden Church for Sideways
Jamie Foxx for Collateral
Morgan Freeman for Million Dollar Baby
Clive Owen for Closer

Here’s where things get really interesting. Do you pick Hawkeye Pierce, Lowell from Wings, Wanda from In Living Color, or Easy Reader from The Electric Company? Who ever said television was a wasteland? Oh, and you could also vote for an English dude who is rumored to be the next James Bond (I’m sure he’s done some bad TV of his own, but my useless knowledge is mostly focused on American “culture”). I’d love to see my man Red win, but for some reason I think Lowell will get it simply because it would be too fucking weird (with “weird” meaning “good”) to see Lowell from Wings (!) get an Academy Award. Whatever. Get busy living or get busy dying.

My Pick: Red Redding
…But the winner is: Lowell Mather


Best Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role Nominees:
Cate Blanchett for The Aviator
Laura Linney for Kinsey
Virginia Madsen for Sideways
Sophie Okonedo for Hotel Rwanda
Natalie Portman for Closer

Again, no fucking idea. It’s not that there aren’t enough good female roles in Hollywood, it’s just that there aren’t enough female roles anyone gives a shit about. If they ran this category like a wet t-shirt contest (and they should), Virginia Madsen would win in a landslide (a very big, very heavy landslide), but unfortunately, they judge these people based on talent. Supposedly, Cate Blanchett does a mean Kate Hepburn impression (shaky head and all), so she’ll probably win cause, you know, Kate’s dead.

My Pick: Virginia Madsen
…But the winner is: Cate Hep- I mean, Blanchett


Best Achievement in Directing Nominees:
Clint Eastwood for Million Dollar Baby
Taylor Hackford for Ray
Mike Leigh for Vera Drake
Alexander Payne for Sideways
Martin Scorsese for The Aviator

This part of the contest is between The Man with No Name and the man who brought us Taxi Driver, Raging Bull, and Goodfellas. Although The Aviator is beneath him when compared to his other films, the little goomba (and I say that with the utmost respect) deserves to finally get a friggin' statue already. If that hack, Senor Spielbergo, can get one, then the man who brought us, “You talkin’ to me?” definitely deserves one. Fuhgeddaboutit. But for some reason, I feel like Clint’s gonna limp away with this one, too.

My Pick: Martin Scorsese
…But the winner is: Clint Eastwood


Best Writing, Screenplay Written Directly for the Screen Nominees:
The Aviator - John Logan
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind - Charlie Kaufman, Michel Gondry
Hotel Rwanda - Terry George, Keir Pearson
The Incredibles - Brad Bird
Vera Drake - Mike Leigh

This is no contest. None. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind wins, hands down. This is the kind of writing that makes me want to give up and pull a Hunter S. Thompson. It’s that fucking good.

My Pick: Eternal Sunshine…
…But the winner is: Eternal Sunshine…


Best Writing, Screenplay Based on Material Produced or Published Nominees:
Before Sunset - Richard Linklater, Kim Krizan, Julie Delpy, Ethan Hawke
Finding Neverland - David Magee
Million Dollar Baby - Paul Haggis
Diarios de motocicleta - Jose Rivera
Sideways - Alexander Payne, Jim Taylor

I don’t know about this one. I really enjoyed Dick Linklater’s Before Sunset and I totally believe he should have won Best fucking Picture for his masterpiece, Dazed and Confused, but it just isn’t in the cards for him. I’d like to see Sideways win because from everything I’ve heard, it’s my kinda flick. But a film about frustrated guys who hardly ever get what they want and who don’t necessarily like what they’ve got, seems like a bit of a downer for the academy’s traditionally “Up With People” style. That’s probably why sappy bullshit like Finding Neverland always wins.

My Pick: Sideways
…But the winner is: Up With People (Finding Neverland)


Best Animated Feature Film of the Year Nominees:
The Incredibles - Brad Bird
Shark Tale - Bill Damaschke
Shrek 2 - Andrew Adamson

Shrek 2 is funny, but too broad and commercial. Shark Tale is just a snottier, inferior version of Finding Nemo and The Incredibles is terribly overrated. Look for the trend to continue.

My Pick: Shrek 2
…But the winner is: The Incredibles


Best Documentary, Features Nominees:
Born Into Brothels: Calcutta's Red Light Kids - Zana Briski, Ross Kauffman
Geschichte vom weinenden Kamel, Die - Luigi Falorni, Byambasuren Davaa
Super Size Me - Morgan Spurlock
Tupac: Resurrection - Karolyn Ali, Lauren Lazin
Twist of Faith - Eddie Schmidt, Kirby Dick

I just threw this in here so I could round off the number of categories to ten. You don’t give a shit who wins best documentary and neither do I (especially since Michael Moore dropped out of the running). I assume the anti-McDonald’s movie will win cause that’s the only one anyone saw, but that Born Into Brothels flick sounds kinda hot.

My Pick: Born Into Brothels…
…But the winner is: Super Size Me


Best Motion Picture of the Year Nominees:
The Aviator
Finding Neverland
Million Dollar Baby
Ray
Sideways

Believe it or not, the clear winner here is Leonardo fucking DiCaprio (did you know that every time Leo gets laid an angel gets its wings?). His movie is easily the most lavish of the bunch and definitely the most accessible. It just feels like a Best Picture. Neverland is too twee, Million Dollar is too controversial (“Yes, we the Academy do endorse suicide!”…please), Ray is too…Ray, and Sideways is too real and quirky for its own good (sort of like Paul Giamatti himself…no wonder they shunned his ass). I’d like to see Sideways win, just so Pig Vomit can get up on stage and give the Academy the proverbial finger for dissing him. But it ain’t gonna happen, so fuck it. Stern rules!

My Pick: Sideways
…But the Oscar goes to: The Aviator

Until next time, may the best ass-kisser win.



“A drug person can learn to handle such things as seeing their dead grandmother crawling up their leg with a knife in her teeth. But no one should be asked to deal with this trip.”
-Hunter S. Thompson, 1937-2005. R.I.P.

Reviews of Films I Haven't Seen Yet: Post-Apocalyptic (Holiday) Edition

"I hate every ape I see, from chimpan-A to chimpan-Z...Guess you finally made a monkey out of me..." I don't know why I just wrote that, but it felt good. Things are not going according to plan this week and neither are this season's films (like how I did that?). Anyway, onto the flicks...


Coach Carter
Dir. by Thomas Carter; starring Samuel L. Jackson, Ashanti

Crazy Joe Clark and Jules Winnfield fuck and have a kid. They name him Ken Carter and he grows up to be a basketball coach. He proceeds to expeditiously shepherd a group of lost children beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men through the valley of darkness. And he yells. A lot. Bottom line: Skip it.


Racing Stripes
Dir. by Frederik Du Chau; starring Frankie Muniz, Snoop Dogg

Gangsta rap has really come a long way. For the love of God, Snoop Dogg is in a kid's movie with Malcolm in the Middle about a fucking talking zebra. I remember when some record stores wouldn't sell The Chronic unless it was wrapped in an opaque plastic cover. Or maybe that was Quiet Riot. I've got to stop doing so much acid. Bottom lizine: Skiznip.


Are We There Yet?
Dir. by Brian Levant; starring Ice Cube, Nia Long

Speaking of gangsta rap, O'Shea Jackson stars in this road trip movie about a single guy and his girlfriend's kids. Meanwhile, Eazy E is doing cartwheels in his grave. Then again, the trailer actually made me laugh a few times. So I guess what I'm saying is, fuck Eazy E...youse a penguin-lookin' muthafucka! Beeotch!!! Bottom line: Rent it.


In Good Company
Dir. by Paul Weitz; starring Topher Grace, Dennis Quaid

Sometimes it doesn't pay to be ahead of your time. Let me explain: I've been saying that Topher Grace is the best young actor on television for years. But now that this movie's out and it looks like a big fucking winner, it's gonna look like I'm just jumping on the bandwagon with everyone else. That's because no one listens to me or takes me seriously...well, everyone except the invisible man only Dakota Fanning and I can see. More on that later. Bottom line: See it.


Elektra
Dir. by Rob Bowman; starring Jennifer Garner, Goran Visnjic

Why would you make a spin-off based on a film that sucked? You don't hear anyone clamoring for Weird Harold: The Movie, do you? Some things don't make any sense to me and I guess they never will. Like why are so many people so fucking up on this Jennifer Garner chick? Alias sucks and personally she's always struck me as a tad mannish (guess Jennifer Lopez turned Ben Affleck gay after all). Like Buffy before it, I've always hated "superhero" shows featuring girls who thrash roomfuls of bad guys twice their size without breaking a sweat or a fingernail. I like my action like I like my porn: Gritty. Again, more on that later. Bottom line: Skip it.


White Noise
Dir. by Geoffrey Sax; starring Michael Keaton, Deborah Kara Unger

Nice to see Michael Keaton finally getting some work done. He probably shit the bed when he decided to hang up the Batsuit, but then again, I wouldn't have worked with Joel Schumacher either.

This movie looks pretty lame, but the premise kind of intrigues me (for those keeping score: it's about the "real life" phenomenon called white noise, in which mysterious sounds and voices pop up on cassettes which are supposed to be recording nothing but silence). It also features Deborah Kara Unger, an actress from the "That Guy" school of acting, who always plays those sorts of bitter, hard luck, former beauty queen types. She should team up with Maria Bello and do a realistic version of Showgirls with more coke and less Jessie Spano. Bottom line: Rent it.


Assault on Precint 13
Dir. by Jean Francois-Richet; starring Ethan Hawke, Laurence Fishburne

For once, this remake of John Carpenter's low-grade action flick actually seems like a good idea. The original is okay in a kitschy sorta way, but let's face it, it also kinda sucks. Hawke is rarely terrible and Larry Fishburne may be one of the most underrated actors of all time. Should make for a marginally interesting film. Bottom line: Rent it.

Reviews of Films I Haven't Seen Yet: Holiday Spectacular

“I just don't understand Christmas, I guess. I like getting presents and sending Christmas cards and decorating trees and all that, but I'm still not happy. I always end up feeling depressed.”
-Charlie Brown, A Charlie Brown Christmas

Damn straight, Chuck. At least we can all be thankful that the movies will always be there to distract us and take us away from the horrors of home and family. If it weren’t for the movies, I would have stuck my head in the oven a long time ago. Bah Humbug, indeed.


The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou
Dir. by Wes Anderson; starring Bill Murray, Owen Wilson

I’ve always liked Wes Anderson’s movies. They’re weird, they’re ironic, they’re offbeat. They’re the film equivalent of good-natured indie rock. Keep it up, Wes. You give us all hope.

I have nothing bad to say about this film or any of his others. Bottom line: See it.


Fat Albert
Dir. by Joel Zwick; starring Kenan Thompson, Bill Cosby

In Eddie Murphy: Raw, the comedian formerly known as The Funniest Man on the Planet told the audience how Richard Pryor wanted him to tell Bill Cosby to, “Have a Coke and a smile and shut the fuck up!” That was almost twenty years ago. It’s unfortunate how Richard is the one who has trouble talking now, while Bill Cosby’s lips continue to move. Dr. Cosby, do a sick man a favor and shut the fuck up. This exercise in cinematic idiocy is as funny as MS and makes about as much sense as one of your sweater patterns. Bottom line: Skip it.


Meet the Fockers
Dir. by Jay Roach; starring Robert De Niro, Ben Stiller

No focking thanks. Skip it.


Darkness
Dir. by Jaume Balaguero; starring Anna Paquin, Lena Olin

This actually looks like it might be scary. Then again, like most things in life, it’s probably going to suck and disappoint the fuck out of me, but I’m guessing there might be one or two worthwhile “jump moments” in it. Let’s face it, that’s all you can really expect from today’s horror films. Plus, it deals with little kids dying and that’s always good for a laugh. Bottom line: See it.


The Phantom of the Opera
Dir. by Joel Schumacher; starring Emmy Rossum, Gerard Butler

At least this time, The Man Who Killed Batman couldn’t possibly make this particular story any gayer. I would actually choose spending time with my parents over seeing this film. And believe you me, that’s saying a fucking lot. Skip it.


The Woodsman
Dir. by Nicole Kassell; starring Kevin Bacon, Kyra Sedgwick Bacon

Even though these days people play Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon about as often as you bust out your old Hungry, Hungry Hippos game, wouldn’t it be worth playing one more time just so you can hear somebody say, “Oh c’mon, I know this… it’s that pedophile movie where he fucks that four year old. You know the one I’m talking about? What the hell was the name of that movie again?”

I’ve always liked Bacon, as both an actor and a breakfast treat. For reasons unknown to everyone, HBO must have played Quicksilver and that movie where he’s an abusive Outward Bound camp counselor about 9,000 times during the summer of 1986. God knows why, but I was there every single time. Any movie fucked up enough to have a pedophile as the hero has got to be interesting one way or another. Bottom line: See it.


Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events
Dir. by Brad Silberling; starring Jim Carrey, Meryl Streep

Who would have thought that the names Jim Carrey and Meryl Streep would ever appear next to each other on a movie marquee? Not that I’m a big Meryl Streep fan or anything (I believe Kramer vs. Kramer and Adaptation. are the only movies I’ve ever seen her in, as if you cared to know), but the fact that Fire Marshall Bill is co-starring with Oscar’s number one female is no small feat by any means. White Chicks notwithstanding, I guess Keenan Ivory Wayans knows talent when he sees it.

As for the movie itself, this looks like some warmed-over Harry Potter bullshit, but if you like that twee, fantasy crap then knock yourself out. I don’t get the whole Harry Potter thing in the first place, so I’m assuming I won’t get pseudo-Potter material either. Bottom line: Skip it.


Spanglish
Dir. by James L. Brooks; starring Adam Sandler, Tea Leoni

This looks like a mutated, B-movie version of American Beauty if it were crossbred with Real Women Have Curves. James Hell Brooks can do better than this. Bottom line: Skip it.


Beyond the Sea
Dir. by Kevin Spacey; starring Keyser Soze, Kate Bosworth

Speaking of American Beauty, Kevin Spacey hasn’t done anything good since. This craptacular “biopic” continues the streak. Bottom line: Skip it.


The Aviator
Dir. by Martin Scorsese; starring Leonardo DiCaprio, Kate Beckinsale

What the hell happened to Kate Beckinsale? She was always a good-looking girl, but Jesus Christ, when exactly did she get so hot? I caught Brokedown Palace the other day and at the time Claire Danes was clearly the better looking of the two, but fast forward a few years later and BAM! I mean goddamn! Have you seen that Diet Coke commercial?! Ooofaa…anyway, Scorsese’s clearly hit the wall (again) with this one, but if you want to catch Katie Becks in her prizime then check it out. I know I will. Bottom line: Rent it.

Reviews of Films I Haven't Seen Yet 12/11/04

Column's a little off schedule this week, but the reviews of the unviewed are still dead on (if I may say so myself). Life, like shit, happens. Anyway, on to this week's crapfest...

Ocean's 12
dir. by Steven Soderbergh; starring George Clooney, Brad Pitt

Let me start off by saying that I don't really know what to make of this movie, just as I didn't really know what to make of its predecessor. Ocean's 11 was a tough movie to like and at the same time, it's a tough movie to hate. Part of you wants to hate it for all the right reasons. You hate the fact that these undeserving genetic-lottery winners get paid (more than you ever will) to basically go on vacation. You hate the fact that they're having so much fun...at "work." Every last one of them is phoning it in, from smug-ass Clooney to the obviously slumming-for-a-paycheck Don Cheadle. Fucking tragic.

And here's the kicker: they know what they're doing. They know their lives are better than yours and they also know that you're going to pay to watch them enjoy themselves, over and over again. So what if the script is half-baked, the concept is outlandish, and the international caper story has no basis in reality whatsoever? "Fuck you, we're ridiculously famous, now bend over!" And the sad part is, we'll just lube up, roll over, and do exactly as they say.

Why? Cause Ocean's Twelve is the cinematic equivalent of an all-star game. You know it's gonna suck before it even begins, but you watch anyway simply because it's cool to see all the big wigs in the same game. The same way you'd hope to see Jordan throw an alley-oop to Shaq, you hope that maybe Clooney will drop a witty Confessions of a Dangerous Mind reference while Pitt and Damon are in the scene. People watch these films for the same reason they watch The Superfriends, Comic Relief, or the Oscars. Whether it's in sports or in the movies, regular people love it when A-List egos get together and interact. Each one of them can carry a project on their own, but there's something special about watching them wallow in mediocrity as a unit. There's just something strangely comforting about these films. They give you that weird, reassuring, "The Gang's all here," feeling that you get once in a while at big weddings or Thanksgiving dinner. I understand the feeling. I get it. But I ain't payin' for it. Bottom line on the Hollywood All-Star Game? Skip it.


Blade: Trinity
dir. by David Goyer; starring Wesley Snipes, Jessica Biel

The trilogy known as Blade comes to an end and a screeching halt with this cheesy and stupid-looking final act. The trailer looks like utter shit and from what I've heard, so does the movie. Whenever there's a little kid in the film whose main purpose is to get the gruff hero to show his "soft" side, you know you're in for a headache. Check out the exchange between Nino Brown and the little girl in the trailer ("Why can't you just be nice?") and you'll know what I mean. Utter. Shit.

Supposedly, the one decent thing in this movie is the performance of Ryan "I'm not Chevy Chase" Reynolds. I'm not buying it. Snarky, cocky, frat-boy types piss me off on a sub-atomic level, so unless he delivers an image-altering, Pitt-in-Fight Club caliber performance, I'll stick with my original impression. Who knows, he may turn out to be the next Sir Laurence Olivier, but up until this point his spotless resume includes Van Wilder and Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place. I don't think I'll be changing my opinion any time soon.

As far as I can tell, the only good thing in this suckfest is Jessica Biel's ass. I watched that awful Texas Chainsaw remake from beginning to end, due entirely to the power of that girl's ass. Once this shit hits cable (now there's three words that look strange next to each other, "this shit hits," but I digress), I imagine I'll watch the final installment of this lackluster series for the same reason. Seventh heaven, indeed. Bottom line on Jessica's bottom? Love it. Bottom line on Blade: Always Bet on Black? Skip it.
GM/P3

Reviews of Films I Haven't Seen Yet 12/3/04

Well, well, well...as (my) luck would have it, the inaugural edition of Reviews of Films I Haven't Seen Yet (TM) is debuting during a week in which only one major film is premiering. Nonetheless, I shall overcome this minor annoyance and push on like a dutiful little "blogger." First things fucking last...this weekly section of 4GNP will review upcoming movies and "films" which I haven't seen yet because unlike "real" movie critics I don't have the juice, the info, nor the connections to get myself an early screening of the week's films. So how can I possibly criticize films that I haven't even seen, you ask? Because 95%, scratch that, 99% of the nightmares that are produced by the so-called Dream Factory are totally formulaic, utterly predictable pieces of well-masticated horseshit. If you can't tell a movie's going to be a stinker (or in rare cases, a winner) simply by looking at the trailer, then by God, you need to get your life together and watch more TV. With the way films are marketed today, you probably see about forty percent of any given flick (and about eighty percent of the good parts) before it even hits the theater...and that's if you behave like the average person. Now, if you're an embarrassing media whore like me (and if you're one of the two people reading this then you obviously are), who absorbs every last piece of entertainment-related, pseudo-informational bullshit that comes across the airwaves, then by the time a particular film debuts you know how it begins, how it ends, and whether or not Eliza Dushku is naked in it. So that being said, I believe I have every right to pre-judge and blindly cast stones at things I haven't seen. People prognosticate (is that the right word?) about sport events before they see them, so why can't the same be done with movies? I don't need to step in shit to know it smells. And I'm (almost) never wrong. And even if I am, at least I won't be out ten bucks. And now onto the show....

Closer
directed by Mike Nichols; starring Julia Roberts, Jude Law

From the looks of it, this seems like a good old-fashioned "feel-bad" movie (obviously the reverse of the tried and true "feel-good" movie). Films like these fall into a very particular category, where quality and execution often make up for the bleakness and pessimism of the subject matter. Ironically enough, I usually like this kind of film. A dark story centered around two unhappy couples dealing with the complexities of infidelity and betrayal is just the kind of tale that society needs once in awhile to cleanse the collective palette of the saccharine aftertaste left behind by a steady stream of bullshit romantic comedies. I've often said that the modern romantic comedy is the most dangerous bit of societal propaganda in cinema today. With it's insidious blend of unrealistic romantic expectations and outlandish happy endings (nerd gets prom queen, hooker meets millionaire, society chick ditches rich fiance for quirky guy she met a week ago...not bloody fucking likely), this genre fucks more peoples' heads up than a month's worth of horror and porn combined. So when a movie comes along that actually portrays people and their relationships as the awful, nihilistic travesties that they truly are, something inside me smiles a little bit. Nothing like a cold dose of cinematic reality to send all the Freddy Prinze, Jr.'s and Reese Witherspoons' screaming back to the land of fake proms and contrived serendipity.
The problem with films like this is that you essentially have to see them alone (Neil Labute's Your Friends and Neighbors and Todd Solondz' Happiness are prime examples of this kind of film...shit, I saw them years ago and I still feel uneasy). Who the fuck are you going to go with to this movie? Your friends? You can't go to a film about relationships with your boys. You might as well ask them to go antiquing. Your girlfriend? Puh-leez. Yeah, like you don't have enough shit to worry about. "Hey honey, let's go see an uncomfortable film about couples with problems so you can notice some shit about us that you've never noticed before!" Fuck that. Your mom? If you even considered this option for more than the time it took to read it, then your problems are way beyond the scope of this entry. So like I said, you're on your own Pete.
The cast of four (4 Guys Named Moder!...now that's a movie I'd like to see) consists of Jude Law, Natalie Portman, Clive Owen, and the esteemed Mrs. Moder. Jude Law is everywhere these days. Get a good look at him kids, cause we won't be seeing him again for a long time. A decent actor, but this will be his third bomb in a row (I can still smell Alfie and that Angelina Jolie space crap from here), so he'll be splitting happy hour tabs with Vin Diesel in no time. Natalie Portman has a lot of admirers although I am not among them. This chick seemed to peak professionally at the age of twelve or thirteen or however the fuck old she was when she did The Professional eons ago. Problem is she seemed to stop growing physically at the same time. Supposedly she's naked in this thing, which to me makes this akin to kiddy porn. Arrested development is only good when it's a TV show. Clive Owen has been rumored to be in the running for the James Bond role and from what I've seen, I think he could pull it off. I heard his character in this film does some real twisted shit, so if he's anything like he was in Croupier (a solid indie he starred in a few years back), then he should be decent. And as for Julia Moder...let's just say I hope she takes a nice long hiatus after squeezing out her litter. Why this chick is the world's highest paid actress is completely beyond me. Isn't "America's Sweetheart" supposed to be cute and pretty and not some horse-face with a big mouth and oversized nostrils? Then again, what the fuck do I know? Bottom line on Closer: The Mariano Rivera Story? Rent it.
GM/P3