Reviews of Films I Haven't Seen Yet: Gold-Plated Postgame

I figured I should follow up my stellar Oscar edition with a little postgame analysis. First and foremost, I’ve gotta admit that the Chris Rock experiment didn’t go as badly as I thought (read: hoped). He wasn’t terrible, but he wasn’t that funny either. I guess you’ve got to give the man credit for saying “ass” and “sucks” within the first two minutes of his monologue. But let’s face it, the shit was mediocre. The Oscars aren’t meant to be young and/or hip. Like funerals and graduations, some things are supposed to be lame and stilted. Watching a de-balled Chris Rock doing Hollywood jokes in a rented tux is about as entertaining as listening to a stripper talk about her kids during a lap dance. Certain people (as well as certain topics) should always be kept in their proper context and element. Anyway, let’s get to the postgame…



Best Performance by an Actor in a Leading Role-

Winner: Jamie Foxx
What I said: Clint Eastwood

Guess Foxx’s relentless impression of Ray Charles (on and off-screen) finally paid off. Better luck next time, Don. You’ll be back. By the way, what was up with the show using the theme song from “The Terminator?” Not that I’m complaining, but it seemed a little out of place…sort of like Chris Rock. The theme of the night seemed to be “fish-outta-water.”


Best Performance by an Actress in a Leading Role-

Winner: Hilary Swank
What I said: Annette Bening

My personal pick for best actress also happens to look like a horse (Howard Stern never plays a sound byte from her without playing neighing sounds in the background). That being said, she beat Annette Bening…again. Guess Warren’s the only one who knows how to close a deal in that family.


Best Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role-

Winner: Morgan Freeman
What I said: Thomas Haden Church

“Red: [narrating] There is a harsh truth to face. No way I'm gonna make it on the outside. All I do anymore is think of ways to break my parole. Terrible thing, to live in fear. Brooks Hatlen knew it. Knew it all too well. All I want is to be back where things make sense.”
This award makes sense. The right man won. Get busy living.


Best Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role-

Winner: Cate Blanchett
What I said: Cate Blanchett

You’ve gotta be pretty fucking famous to win from beyond the grave. Katherine Hepburn’s pretty fucking famous.


Best Achievement in Directing-

Winner: Clint Eastwood
What I said: Clint Eastwood

The Man with No Name does it again. I know he’s feeling lucky, but are you? Well, are ya? Punk?!


Best Writing, Screenplay Written Directly for the Screen-

Winner: Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
What I said: Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

What did I tell you? It’s that fucking good.


Best Writing, Screenplay Based on Material Previously Produced-

Winner: Sideways
What I said: Finding Neverland

I was hoping this won and it did, in spite of my cynicism. Too bad life rarely works out that way.


Best Animated Feature Film of the Year-

Winner: The Incredibles
What I said: The Incredibles

I said it before and I’ll say it again…overrated.


Best Documentary-

Winner: Born Into Brothels: Calcutta's Red Light Kids
What I said: Super Size Me

If a film wins an Oscar without anyone ever seeing it or hearing about it, does it make a sound? Apparently.


Best Motion Picture of the Year-

Winner: Million Dollar Baby
What I said: The Aviator

I’m surprised. Guess the Academy endorses suicide after all. Color me impressed. Good job, Dirty Harry. Keep knocking ‘em dead.

So, I’m 4 for 10 in my first attempt at this bullshit. Not bad. Okay, I’m gonna go put my balls back on now. Peace.

Reviews of Films I Haven't Seen Yet: Gold-Plated Oscar Edition

“Awards for art are fucking idiotic. Unless two people are doing the exact same thing, how can you really say somebody's better than the other?”
-Chris Rock (2005)

The real question is, “What comedian would risk every ounce of his street cred to host what might arguably be the lamest and most conservative awards show this side of the Country Music Awards?” That’s right, one who needs a job. Now let’s make like Frank DeCaro and knock the shit outta this Oscar crap. But first, this episode’s films…


Hitch
Dir. by Andy Tennant; starring The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, Kevin James

I have to admit that the trailer for this made me laugh. Along with farts and monkeys wearing helmets, fat guys trying to dance and open-handed bitch slaps are always funny. Unfortunately, I heard all the good parts are in the trailer. Big fucking surprise. Guess I’ll have to entertain myself with reruns of the Carlton dance.
Bottom line: Rent it.


Constantine
Dir. by Francis Lawrence; starring Keanu Reeves, Rachel Weisz

Dressing Ted Theodore Logan in the same exact suit he wore at the beginning of The Matrix is just one example of the countless mistakes that were made by the retards responsible for this travesty. If you actually wanna see “Matrix: Revolutions meets The Exorcist II” then by all means, rush out and see it. As for me, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, Wyld Stallyns do not rule.
Bottom line: Skip it.


Because of Winn-Dixie
Dir. by Wayne Wang; starring Annasophia Robb, Dave Matthews

Dave Matthews stars in this movie about a smiling dog (yes, you read that correctly) that goes around making people in a small town happy…there is no reason for me to continue typing.
Bottom line: Skip it.


Son of the Mask
Dir. by Lawrence Guterman; starring Jamie Kennedy, Traylor Howard

That idiot from that unwatchable show on The WB (which one, right?) tries to ape Jim Carrey aping Tex Avery cartoons that are about a zillion times funnier than the both of them combined. Traylor Howard’s pretty cute, but goddamn, that’s one hell of a name, right? “Traylor”…Jesus. Can you imagine what her life would be like if she was a big fat chick instead of an Anne Heche clone? Yeah, me neither.
Bottom line: Skip it.


Boogeyman
Dir. by Stephen T. Kay; starring Barry Watson, Lucy Lawless

“Lucy Lawless.” Now if that isn’t the best porno name this side of “Buck Naked,” then you can slap me around and call me Susan (or Xena, for that matter). From the looks of this godawful crapfest, a career in porn might not be too far off for our warrior princess after all.
Bottom line: Skip it.


The Wedding Date
Dir. by Clare Kilner; starring Debra Messing, Dermot Mulroney

A romantic comedy starring an annoying and unfunny actress from one of the unfunniest and most annoying (yet strangely successful) sitcoms of all time. Oh, and Dermot Mulroney’s in it too.
Bottom line: Skip it.


Man of the House
Dir. by Stephen Herek; starring Tommy Lee Jones and a Murderers’ Row of Ridiculously Hot Girls

Based on the 1995 classic starring Chevy Chase, Farrah Fawcett, and the gay kid from Home Improvement (again- which one, right?), Tommy Lee Jones portrays a cop who gets caught up in a murder plot when a bunch of cheerleaders happen to witness…oh, who fucking cares. This film stars a squadron (a literal squadron) of unbelievably talented girls whom I predict will dominate every teensploitation flick coming down the pike for the next five years. Remember these names: Kelli Garner, Monica Keena, Christina Milian, and Paula ‘Effin Garces. In the immortal words of one Jerome Seinfeld, “I haven't seen four women like this together outside of a Russ Meyer film.”
Bottom line: Rent it…alone.


Cursed
Dir. by Wes Craven; starring Christina Ricci, Shannon Elizabeth

Speaking of Russ Meyer, here are two perfect examples of actresses whose dubious stars are fading faster than you can say, “Thora Birch.” Me and my man Russ have three words for you girls: Full. Frontal. Nudity. That being said, if you wanna see a good Wes Craven movie, check out The Last House on the Left. If it’s not the most disturbing thing you’ve ever seen, it’ll be the funniest thing you’ve ever seen (guess which one I picked). And remember, to avoid fainting, keep repeating, "It's only a movie...It's only a movie..."
Bottom line: Skip it.


Diary of a Mad Black Woman
Dir. by Darren Grant; starring Kimberly Elise, Tyler Perry

I imagine that the only people who are going to see this thing are black women and their mad boyfriends. All I can say is, if you liked Soul Food and Waiting to Exhale, then you’ve probably uttered, “You go girl!” within the last ten years without a hint of irony. Good luck.
Bottom line: Skip it.


The Pacifier
Dir. by Adam Shankman; starring Vin Diesel, Lauren Graham

A man once wrote that Mark Vincent (also known as “The Dies”) delivers his lines like someone who just came out of oral surgery. I’m not about to disagree.
Bottom line: Skip it.



And the Oscar pick goes to…me. Welcome to my first ever Academy Awards Analysis Extravaganza (can’t you just feel the excitement, jackass?). Beneath the blurb, the area dedicated to My Pick will show the film I would choose to win if I were James Cameron, King of the World. The section below shows who I think the actual winner is going to be. So technically, my “Oscar picks” are the ones that are not labeled “My Picks.” Get it? Good, cause explaining that again would threaten my unblemished record of staunch heterosexuality. Let the gambling and debauchery begin!


Best Performance by an Actor in a Leading Role Nominees:
Don Cheadle for Hotel Rwanda
Johnny Depp for Finding Neverland
Leonardo DiCaprio for The Aviator
Clint Eastwood for Million Dollar Baby
Jamie Foxx for Ray

Don Cheadle deserves this. A good actor who’s often trapped in bad films, it seems like he’s finally found a vehicle worthy of his talent. The others just don’t match up. Depp has been playing the same kind of ethereal weirdo for years (with few notable exceptions). He's like the male Stevie Nicks. Jamie Foxx has become way too annoying at this point to win. He doesn’t seem to realize that in order to actually be Ray Charles you have to be dead as well as blind. Clint’s glory days are behind him and DiCaprio’s life is just too fucking good, so Don deserves to come out golden. Unfortunately, birds of a feather flock together, so the codgers will probably vote for good old Clint.

My Pick: Don Cheadle
…But the winner is: The Man with No Name


Best Performance by an Actress in a Leading Role Nominees:
Annette Bening for Being Julia
Catalina Sandino Moreno for Maria Full of Grace
Imelda Staunton for Vera Drake
Hilary Swank for Million Dollar Baby
Kate Winslet for Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

I have no fucking clue who’s gonna win this one. Kate Winslet was very good in Eternal Sunshine…, but she reminds me of someone I don’t like, so I’m hoping she doesn’t win (yes, it’s faulty logic, but who ever said Oscar voting had to be logical?). Karate Kid IV’s Hilary Swank won’t win cause her character does something “The Man” doesn’t approve of (if you haven’t seen the movie…well, I haven’t either, but I know what happens and I won’t ruin it here). And then there’s Annette Bening in Being Julia. She plays an actress in the film and everyone knows that showbiz people love watching other showbiz people acting like “pretend” showbiz people, so just give her the fucking statue already.

My Pick: Hilary Swank
…But the winner is: Annette Bening


Best performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role Nominees:
Alan Alda for The Aviator
Thomas Haden Church for Sideways
Jamie Foxx for Collateral
Morgan Freeman for Million Dollar Baby
Clive Owen for Closer

Here’s where things get really interesting. Do you pick Hawkeye Pierce, Lowell from Wings, Wanda from In Living Color, or Easy Reader from The Electric Company? Who ever said television was a wasteland? Oh, and you could also vote for an English dude who is rumored to be the next James Bond (I’m sure he’s done some bad TV of his own, but my useless knowledge is mostly focused on American “culture”). I’d love to see my man Red win, but for some reason I think Lowell will get it simply because it would be too fucking weird (with “weird” meaning “good”) to see Lowell from Wings (!) get an Academy Award. Whatever. Get busy living or get busy dying.

My Pick: Red Redding
…But the winner is: Lowell Mather


Best Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role Nominees:
Cate Blanchett for The Aviator
Laura Linney for Kinsey
Virginia Madsen for Sideways
Sophie Okonedo for Hotel Rwanda
Natalie Portman for Closer

Again, no fucking idea. It’s not that there aren’t enough good female roles in Hollywood, it’s just that there aren’t enough female roles anyone gives a shit about. If they ran this category like a wet t-shirt contest (and they should), Virginia Madsen would win in a landslide (a very big, very heavy landslide), but unfortunately, they judge these people based on talent. Supposedly, Cate Blanchett does a mean Kate Hepburn impression (shaky head and all), so she’ll probably win cause, you know, Kate’s dead.

My Pick: Virginia Madsen
…But the winner is: Cate Hep- I mean, Blanchett


Best Achievement in Directing Nominees:
Clint Eastwood for Million Dollar Baby
Taylor Hackford for Ray
Mike Leigh for Vera Drake
Alexander Payne for Sideways
Martin Scorsese for The Aviator

This part of the contest is between The Man with No Name and the man who brought us Taxi Driver, Raging Bull, and Goodfellas. Although The Aviator is beneath him when compared to his other films, the little goomba (and I say that with the utmost respect) deserves to finally get a friggin' statue already. If that hack, Senor Spielbergo, can get one, then the man who brought us, “You talkin’ to me?” definitely deserves one. Fuhgeddaboutit. But for some reason, I feel like Clint’s gonna limp away with this one, too.

My Pick: Martin Scorsese
…But the winner is: Clint Eastwood


Best Writing, Screenplay Written Directly for the Screen Nominees:
The Aviator - John Logan
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind - Charlie Kaufman, Michel Gondry
Hotel Rwanda - Terry George, Keir Pearson
The Incredibles - Brad Bird
Vera Drake - Mike Leigh

This is no contest. None. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind wins, hands down. This is the kind of writing that makes me want to give up and pull a Hunter S. Thompson. It’s that fucking good.

My Pick: Eternal Sunshine…
…But the winner is: Eternal Sunshine…


Best Writing, Screenplay Based on Material Produced or Published Nominees:
Before Sunset - Richard Linklater, Kim Krizan, Julie Delpy, Ethan Hawke
Finding Neverland - David Magee
Million Dollar Baby - Paul Haggis
Diarios de motocicleta - Jose Rivera
Sideways - Alexander Payne, Jim Taylor

I don’t know about this one. I really enjoyed Dick Linklater’s Before Sunset and I totally believe he should have won Best fucking Picture for his masterpiece, Dazed and Confused, but it just isn’t in the cards for him. I’d like to see Sideways win because from everything I’ve heard, it’s my kinda flick. But a film about frustrated guys who hardly ever get what they want and who don’t necessarily like what they’ve got, seems like a bit of a downer for the academy’s traditionally “Up With People” style. That’s probably why sappy bullshit like Finding Neverland always wins.

My Pick: Sideways
…But the winner is: Up With People (Finding Neverland)


Best Animated Feature Film of the Year Nominees:
The Incredibles - Brad Bird
Shark Tale - Bill Damaschke
Shrek 2 - Andrew Adamson

Shrek 2 is funny, but too broad and commercial. Shark Tale is just a snottier, inferior version of Finding Nemo and The Incredibles is terribly overrated. Look for the trend to continue.

My Pick: Shrek 2
…But the winner is: The Incredibles


Best Documentary, Features Nominees:
Born Into Brothels: Calcutta's Red Light Kids - Zana Briski, Ross Kauffman
Geschichte vom weinenden Kamel, Die - Luigi Falorni, Byambasuren Davaa
Super Size Me - Morgan Spurlock
Tupac: Resurrection - Karolyn Ali, Lauren Lazin
Twist of Faith - Eddie Schmidt, Kirby Dick

I just threw this in here so I could round off the number of categories to ten. You don’t give a shit who wins best documentary and neither do I (especially since Michael Moore dropped out of the running). I assume the anti-McDonald’s movie will win cause that’s the only one anyone saw, but that Born Into Brothels flick sounds kinda hot.

My Pick: Born Into Brothels…
…But the winner is: Super Size Me


Best Motion Picture of the Year Nominees:
The Aviator
Finding Neverland
Million Dollar Baby
Ray
Sideways

Believe it or not, the clear winner here is Leonardo fucking DiCaprio (did you know that every time Leo gets laid an angel gets its wings?). His movie is easily the most lavish of the bunch and definitely the most accessible. It just feels like a Best Picture. Neverland is too twee, Million Dollar is too controversial (“Yes, we the Academy do endorse suicide!”…please), Ray is too…Ray, and Sideways is too real and quirky for its own good (sort of like Paul Giamatti himself…no wonder they shunned his ass). I’d like to see Sideways win, just so Pig Vomit can get up on stage and give the Academy the proverbial finger for dissing him. But it ain’t gonna happen, so fuck it. Stern rules!

My Pick: Sideways
…But the Oscar goes to: The Aviator

Until next time, may the best ass-kisser win.



“A drug person can learn to handle such things as seeing their dead grandmother crawling up their leg with a knife in her teeth. But no one should be asked to deal with this trip.”
-Hunter S. Thompson, 1937-2005. R.I.P.