Reviews of Films I Haven't Seen Yet: Holiday Spectacular

“I just don't understand Christmas, I guess. I like getting presents and sending Christmas cards and decorating trees and all that, but I'm still not happy. I always end up feeling depressed.”
-Charlie Brown, A Charlie Brown Christmas

Damn straight, Chuck. At least we can all be thankful that the movies will always be there to distract us and take us away from the horrors of home and family. If it weren’t for the movies, I would have stuck my head in the oven a long time ago. Bah Humbug, indeed.


The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou
Dir. by Wes Anderson; starring Bill Murray, Owen Wilson

I’ve always liked Wes Anderson’s movies. They’re weird, they’re ironic, they’re offbeat. They’re the film equivalent of good-natured indie rock. Keep it up, Wes. You give us all hope.

I have nothing bad to say about this film or any of his others. Bottom line: See it.


Fat Albert
Dir. by Joel Zwick; starring Kenan Thompson, Bill Cosby

In Eddie Murphy: Raw, the comedian formerly known as The Funniest Man on the Planet told the audience how Richard Pryor wanted him to tell Bill Cosby to, “Have a Coke and a smile and shut the fuck up!” That was almost twenty years ago. It’s unfortunate how Richard is the one who has trouble talking now, while Bill Cosby’s lips continue to move. Dr. Cosby, do a sick man a favor and shut the fuck up. This exercise in cinematic idiocy is as funny as MS and makes about as much sense as one of your sweater patterns. Bottom line: Skip it.


Meet the Fockers
Dir. by Jay Roach; starring Robert De Niro, Ben Stiller

No focking thanks. Skip it.


Darkness
Dir. by Jaume Balaguero; starring Anna Paquin, Lena Olin

This actually looks like it might be scary. Then again, like most things in life, it’s probably going to suck and disappoint the fuck out of me, but I’m guessing there might be one or two worthwhile “jump moments” in it. Let’s face it, that’s all you can really expect from today’s horror films. Plus, it deals with little kids dying and that’s always good for a laugh. Bottom line: See it.


The Phantom of the Opera
Dir. by Joel Schumacher; starring Emmy Rossum, Gerard Butler

At least this time, The Man Who Killed Batman couldn’t possibly make this particular story any gayer. I would actually choose spending time with my parents over seeing this film. And believe you me, that’s saying a fucking lot. Skip it.


The Woodsman
Dir. by Nicole Kassell; starring Kevin Bacon, Kyra Sedgwick Bacon

Even though these days people play Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon about as often as you bust out your old Hungry, Hungry Hippos game, wouldn’t it be worth playing one more time just so you can hear somebody say, “Oh c’mon, I know this… it’s that pedophile movie where he fucks that four year old. You know the one I’m talking about? What the hell was the name of that movie again?”

I’ve always liked Bacon, as both an actor and a breakfast treat. For reasons unknown to everyone, HBO must have played Quicksilver and that movie where he’s an abusive Outward Bound camp counselor about 9,000 times during the summer of 1986. God knows why, but I was there every single time. Any movie fucked up enough to have a pedophile as the hero has got to be interesting one way or another. Bottom line: See it.


Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events
Dir. by Brad Silberling; starring Jim Carrey, Meryl Streep

Who would have thought that the names Jim Carrey and Meryl Streep would ever appear next to each other on a movie marquee? Not that I’m a big Meryl Streep fan or anything (I believe Kramer vs. Kramer and Adaptation. are the only movies I’ve ever seen her in, as if you cared to know), but the fact that Fire Marshall Bill is co-starring with Oscar’s number one female is no small feat by any means. White Chicks notwithstanding, I guess Keenan Ivory Wayans knows talent when he sees it.

As for the movie itself, this looks like some warmed-over Harry Potter bullshit, but if you like that twee, fantasy crap then knock yourself out. I don’t get the whole Harry Potter thing in the first place, so I’m assuming I won’t get pseudo-Potter material either. Bottom line: Skip it.


Spanglish
Dir. by James L. Brooks; starring Adam Sandler, Tea Leoni

This looks like a mutated, B-movie version of American Beauty if it were crossbred with Real Women Have Curves. James Hell Brooks can do better than this. Bottom line: Skip it.


Beyond the Sea
Dir. by Kevin Spacey; starring Keyser Soze, Kate Bosworth

Speaking of American Beauty, Kevin Spacey hasn’t done anything good since. This craptacular “biopic” continues the streak. Bottom line: Skip it.


The Aviator
Dir. by Martin Scorsese; starring Leonardo DiCaprio, Kate Beckinsale

What the hell happened to Kate Beckinsale? She was always a good-looking girl, but Jesus Christ, when exactly did she get so hot? I caught Brokedown Palace the other day and at the time Claire Danes was clearly the better looking of the two, but fast forward a few years later and BAM! I mean goddamn! Have you seen that Diet Coke commercial?! Ooofaa…anyway, Scorsese’s clearly hit the wall (again) with this one, but if you want to catch Katie Becks in her prizime then check it out. I know I will. Bottom line: Rent it.

Reviews of Films I Haven't Seen Yet 12/11/04

Column's a little off schedule this week, but the reviews of the unviewed are still dead on (if I may say so myself). Life, like shit, happens. Anyway, on to this week's crapfest...

Ocean's 12
dir. by Steven Soderbergh; starring George Clooney, Brad Pitt

Let me start off by saying that I don't really know what to make of this movie, just as I didn't really know what to make of its predecessor. Ocean's 11 was a tough movie to like and at the same time, it's a tough movie to hate. Part of you wants to hate it for all the right reasons. You hate the fact that these undeserving genetic-lottery winners get paid (more than you ever will) to basically go on vacation. You hate the fact that they're having so much fun...at "work." Every last one of them is phoning it in, from smug-ass Clooney to the obviously slumming-for-a-paycheck Don Cheadle. Fucking tragic.

And here's the kicker: they know what they're doing. They know their lives are better than yours and they also know that you're going to pay to watch them enjoy themselves, over and over again. So what if the script is half-baked, the concept is outlandish, and the international caper story has no basis in reality whatsoever? "Fuck you, we're ridiculously famous, now bend over!" And the sad part is, we'll just lube up, roll over, and do exactly as they say.

Why? Cause Ocean's Twelve is the cinematic equivalent of an all-star game. You know it's gonna suck before it even begins, but you watch anyway simply because it's cool to see all the big wigs in the same game. The same way you'd hope to see Jordan throw an alley-oop to Shaq, you hope that maybe Clooney will drop a witty Confessions of a Dangerous Mind reference while Pitt and Damon are in the scene. People watch these films for the same reason they watch The Superfriends, Comic Relief, or the Oscars. Whether it's in sports or in the movies, regular people love it when A-List egos get together and interact. Each one of them can carry a project on their own, but there's something special about watching them wallow in mediocrity as a unit. There's just something strangely comforting about these films. They give you that weird, reassuring, "The Gang's all here," feeling that you get once in a while at big weddings or Thanksgiving dinner. I understand the feeling. I get it. But I ain't payin' for it. Bottom line on the Hollywood All-Star Game? Skip it.


Blade: Trinity
dir. by David Goyer; starring Wesley Snipes, Jessica Biel

The trilogy known as Blade comes to an end and a screeching halt with this cheesy and stupid-looking final act. The trailer looks like utter shit and from what I've heard, so does the movie. Whenever there's a little kid in the film whose main purpose is to get the gruff hero to show his "soft" side, you know you're in for a headache. Check out the exchange between Nino Brown and the little girl in the trailer ("Why can't you just be nice?") and you'll know what I mean. Utter. Shit.

Supposedly, the one decent thing in this movie is the performance of Ryan "I'm not Chevy Chase" Reynolds. I'm not buying it. Snarky, cocky, frat-boy types piss me off on a sub-atomic level, so unless he delivers an image-altering, Pitt-in-Fight Club caliber performance, I'll stick with my original impression. Who knows, he may turn out to be the next Sir Laurence Olivier, but up until this point his spotless resume includes Van Wilder and Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place. I don't think I'll be changing my opinion any time soon.

As far as I can tell, the only good thing in this suckfest is Jessica Biel's ass. I watched that awful Texas Chainsaw remake from beginning to end, due entirely to the power of that girl's ass. Once this shit hits cable (now there's three words that look strange next to each other, "this shit hits," but I digress), I imagine I'll watch the final installment of this lackluster series for the same reason. Seventh heaven, indeed. Bottom line on Jessica's bottom? Love it. Bottom line on Blade: Always Bet on Black? Skip it.
GM/P3

Reviews of Films I Haven't Seen Yet 12/3/04

Well, well, well...as (my) luck would have it, the inaugural edition of Reviews of Films I Haven't Seen Yet (TM) is debuting during a week in which only one major film is premiering. Nonetheless, I shall overcome this minor annoyance and push on like a dutiful little "blogger." First things fucking last...this weekly section of 4GNP will review upcoming movies and "films" which I haven't seen yet because unlike "real" movie critics I don't have the juice, the info, nor the connections to get myself an early screening of the week's films. So how can I possibly criticize films that I haven't even seen, you ask? Because 95%, scratch that, 99% of the nightmares that are produced by the so-called Dream Factory are totally formulaic, utterly predictable pieces of well-masticated horseshit. If you can't tell a movie's going to be a stinker (or in rare cases, a winner) simply by looking at the trailer, then by God, you need to get your life together and watch more TV. With the way films are marketed today, you probably see about forty percent of any given flick (and about eighty percent of the good parts) before it even hits the theater...and that's if you behave like the average person. Now, if you're an embarrassing media whore like me (and if you're one of the two people reading this then you obviously are), who absorbs every last piece of entertainment-related, pseudo-informational bullshit that comes across the airwaves, then by the time a particular film debuts you know how it begins, how it ends, and whether or not Eliza Dushku is naked in it. So that being said, I believe I have every right to pre-judge and blindly cast stones at things I haven't seen. People prognosticate (is that the right word?) about sport events before they see them, so why can't the same be done with movies? I don't need to step in shit to know it smells. And I'm (almost) never wrong. And even if I am, at least I won't be out ten bucks. And now onto the show....

Closer
directed by Mike Nichols; starring Julia Roberts, Jude Law

From the looks of it, this seems like a good old-fashioned "feel-bad" movie (obviously the reverse of the tried and true "feel-good" movie). Films like these fall into a very particular category, where quality and execution often make up for the bleakness and pessimism of the subject matter. Ironically enough, I usually like this kind of film. A dark story centered around two unhappy couples dealing with the complexities of infidelity and betrayal is just the kind of tale that society needs once in awhile to cleanse the collective palette of the saccharine aftertaste left behind by a steady stream of bullshit romantic comedies. I've often said that the modern romantic comedy is the most dangerous bit of societal propaganda in cinema today. With it's insidious blend of unrealistic romantic expectations and outlandish happy endings (nerd gets prom queen, hooker meets millionaire, society chick ditches rich fiance for quirky guy she met a week ago...not bloody fucking likely), this genre fucks more peoples' heads up than a month's worth of horror and porn combined. So when a movie comes along that actually portrays people and their relationships as the awful, nihilistic travesties that they truly are, something inside me smiles a little bit. Nothing like a cold dose of cinematic reality to send all the Freddy Prinze, Jr.'s and Reese Witherspoons' screaming back to the land of fake proms and contrived serendipity.
The problem with films like this is that you essentially have to see them alone (Neil Labute's Your Friends and Neighbors and Todd Solondz' Happiness are prime examples of this kind of film...shit, I saw them years ago and I still feel uneasy). Who the fuck are you going to go with to this movie? Your friends? You can't go to a film about relationships with your boys. You might as well ask them to go antiquing. Your girlfriend? Puh-leez. Yeah, like you don't have enough shit to worry about. "Hey honey, let's go see an uncomfortable film about couples with problems so you can notice some shit about us that you've never noticed before!" Fuck that. Your mom? If you even considered this option for more than the time it took to read it, then your problems are way beyond the scope of this entry. So like I said, you're on your own Pete.
The cast of four (4 Guys Named Moder!...now that's a movie I'd like to see) consists of Jude Law, Natalie Portman, Clive Owen, and the esteemed Mrs. Moder. Jude Law is everywhere these days. Get a good look at him kids, cause we won't be seeing him again for a long time. A decent actor, but this will be his third bomb in a row (I can still smell Alfie and that Angelina Jolie space crap from here), so he'll be splitting happy hour tabs with Vin Diesel in no time. Natalie Portman has a lot of admirers although I am not among them. This chick seemed to peak professionally at the age of twelve or thirteen or however the fuck old she was when she did The Professional eons ago. Problem is she seemed to stop growing physically at the same time. Supposedly she's naked in this thing, which to me makes this akin to kiddy porn. Arrested development is only good when it's a TV show. Clive Owen has been rumored to be in the running for the James Bond role and from what I've seen, I think he could pull it off. I heard his character in this film does some real twisted shit, so if he's anything like he was in Croupier (a solid indie he starred in a few years back), then he should be decent. And as for Julia Moder...let's just say I hope she takes a nice long hiatus after squeezing out her litter. Why this chick is the world's highest paid actress is completely beyond me. Isn't "America's Sweetheart" supposed to be cute and pretty and not some horse-face with a big mouth and oversized nostrils? Then again, what the fuck do I know? Bottom line on Closer: The Mariano Rivera Story? Rent it.
GM/P3